Old friends and bookends

Why is it that some people come into your life and stay no matter what you do or don’t do and then it just won’t work out with other people no matter how hard you try? And my god, you do try! You scorn, you put on a brave face, you doubt your sanity, your ability to experience feelings, you fight with yourself, you fight with people around you… and you give in and give up because you realise that at the end of the day, it’s just not worth it.

The long, long winter (which I’m not sure if I mentioned but was really long) is gone and the melting snow has displayed some of my age old (existential) problems: what exactly am I doing? There are some relationships in case of which I feel disappointment and I find it hard to figure out why. I’d like to think that it’s because I feel like I give out more than I receive but my conscience doesn’t allow this to be the only reason. Most probably there is no particular reason but being the sensible organ, my brain cannot refuse the opportunity to place the blame on someone. In the end, I have to admit that just like the compass needle that points to the north, my accusing finger always turns to myself (I have to apologise for this horrible bastardised version of a quote from K. Hosseini’s ‘A Thousand Splendid Suns’ which, by the way, is a wonderful book).

I guess I’m too tired to actually make sense and to retreat from speaking in riddles. The thing is that I feel like I have ran out of tricks how to keep some relationships going. Maybe I’m a horrible person but if friends are the family we choose then I want to make sure that I make the right choice. (Especially considering that the relationships in my real family are not perfect either.) It means that if I feel I don’t get anything in return from that relationship, I won’t press it. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be… But why do I still feel so bad for even having these thoughts? And I’m still very much afraid that at the end of the day I’m standing here alone, thinking how wrong I was in my judgement.

Well, actually things are not that bad. There are still some great people to be found. For example, people who make sure you are ready for a zombie apocalypse; people whom you only see a few times a year when they invite you over for a lovely dinner and board games; people whose kind words make tears well up in your eyes. And the fact that these people actually exist and consider me as their friend never ceases to amaze me.

In much the same way my oldest best friends have not yet disappointed me. Who are they? Not who but what: books. I’ve been reading some amazing books lately and on my book shelf, awaiting, are also some promising works of literature. Not to mention the few that are on their way to my warm room. So if all else fails, I still have something to fall back on…

First impressionist

First and foremost, don’t be alerted – this blog has nothing to do with art. Unfortunately art (in sense of fine art: paintings, sculptures, graphics and everything in between) is something quite distant and unreachable to me. I’ve never been able to fully understand art. But this was not what I wanted to talk about…

I have realised how much first impressions mean to me. Especially, when it comes to making one myself. Last Friday I went through some nerve-wrecking hours before meeting my supervisor whom I had so far only been in contact via email. It was quite ridiculous how nervous I was. I was so afraid she would consider me light-headed, incompetent and generally, not really a very bright individual (which, by the way, she had every right to think and probably also still thinks that to some extent). In the end, nothing horrible happened (as it would have!); the meeting was quite successful for me and I’m not dropping out of university just yet.

I think it’s natural to wish to leave a good impression on someone you meet, especially someone who has more power or authority than you do; especially someone who holds a piece of you future in their hands. I always wish to seem like someone very polite, helpful, clever and understanding. You know, the usual qualities. Nevertheless, I usually assume that people would not see me like that unless I put on an extra effort to seem like that. This of course means that the whole thing is quite not as natural as it should be and everything is not quite as smooth as it could be. I play some situations, where I’ve made small mistakes, over and over again in my head feeling the sharp pain of embarrassment. Probably this is the reason why I’m usually the quiet one whenever there are people around whom I haven’t met before; that way I can save myself from having to replay a new bunch of embarrassing moments in my head.

The question is, shouldn’t people like (or dislike) us for who we are? Thus, we ought to appear as we are with all our faults and short-comings. I never could. If I cannot actually be better than I am, I would at least like to appear better than I really am. I wish I could be naturally quick-witted and someone who can communicate easily with everyone but I’m not. Instead, I usually put on a pretty big act. (Not that my act would make me quick-witted.) Tiring, one might say. Definitely. And imagine the surprise when people find out that it’s not really me. Oops. But I can’t really change that. I’m like a dog from the shelter just begging, “Like me, like me!”

I must admit, though, that I often discover that first impressions can be very much misleading. I’ve come to be like people who at first I did not like at all or vice versa. Still, more often than not I might judge people by the first impression, then see that they are really not like that all and in the end discover that actually, they are just like they first seemed. This means that the impression I leave on people might change just the same. I’m sure that there are plenty of people out there whom I’ve met and who, based on the first impression, do not like me. As much as it might pain me, I cannot change that.

For the time being, I keep on making those false first impressions.

(To be completely honest, I’m not sure how much sense this particular post makes. Considering my fatigue and absolute absence of even a half-intelligent thought, not much. But bear with me: I might have my bright moment soon enough)

I hate days like this!

Disclaimer: the following post is dripping from negativity and self-pity. You are discouraged from reading it, but if your curiosity wins despite that, don't come blaming to me. For my own apology, I have to say that since I don't have any other way to put my misery into something creative, the poor pages of the Internet must endure my bad moments. Still, it is not too late to turn away from this page. You have been warned!

I hate days when I feel like I hate everything (it's a paradox, I know...). As shallow as it might sound, I actually like being the cheery and silly me who can always laugh and think of a joke and who doesn't have a care in the world. Lately, I'm seeing less and less of that side of me and more of that nasty moody side. Where did this smiley girl go? And why?

I have always thought that 'hate' is such a strong word and that I don't actually hate anything in the world. I did use that word, of course, for the sake of being understood but I really believed that I couldn't be so bitter to actually feel like this. Now I'm discovering that I am quite capable of hating and rather competent in being angry. They say that you can only hate someone or something that you used to love (hence the saying: there's a thin line between love and hate). It is true but I would also add to this that it is possible to hate people who ruin the things you love for you. And this has happened to me.
It is incredible how much energy hating takes away from you; the energy you could use to do something fun and good and useful but all of that is used to keep the fire of hate burning. And I really, really wish I could let go but I can't... And I hate it.

I have discovered that I have become more cynical and more irritated in the last few months. I can't really put my finger on why this has happened but I can see the change in me and unfortunately, I can also see how this affects the people close to me: my friends and family. It has become more and more difficult for me to hide it under a smiley face.
I think the first sign of warning came when I heard my father complain that I nag the most in our family. And I probably do! My mum was of course extremely happy to hand that title over to me but I'm not too pleased about it myself. I'm all hot and bothered whenever I'm at home and this probably makes me nag a lot. My relationship with my sister is completely in ruins and I just don't have the nerves and energy to fix it.

It is incredible that I still have such awesome friends around me despite me being a total mess. I've discovered that I'm completely abusing the phrase: "I'm sure (s)he is a very nice person but..." (meaning: I'm sure (s)he is a complete and utter idiot). I'm glad that there are at least a few people who understand what I mean and are able to turn it into a joke. Nevertheless, I have a secret fear that if I cannot go back to the old me, the most amazing friends that I am blessed with will turn from me one by one.

I try to be better but every day I see that I'm more and more turning into a miserable whinging b*tch: exactly the kind of person I cannot stand.
Sorry!

When I was 21, it was a very good year...

Or was it? I thought I needed to make a little summary post about my year 2009. I could be pointing out the good and the bad but then again, I don't really like categorising things. Instead I thought I'd write down for myself what I have learned this year:

• My year started off with not-so-great news from my doctor: after feeling really faint for a long time, I decided to see my GP and get some blood tests done. The results: anemia. I spent the next 4 months on medications. I knew from the start that I could only have myself to blame for that. I had been living on mainly rice and pasta and no meat for nearly 4 months, so it's no wonder my iron levels were non-existent. Since it was a pretty scary experience for me (after all, if you nearly faint after a 10 minute moderate walk, your life is really not so much fun), I have now learned to pay more attention to what I eat. Even when in Tartu, I try to eat a meat product at least once a week, also I try to vary my menu with fruit and vegetables. I'm not a big spender when it comes to shopping but I have learned is that I am ready to spend money on food. My health is important to me, and in the end, good food makes life worth living for.
• I learned that sometimes the best holiday is the one where you get nearly no rest at all. The end of January and the beginning of February saw one of the craziest weeks in my life in the nutty country they call The Republic of Ireland. During the week I was there, I got less than 20 hours of sleep all together, only one day when I didn't consume alcohol (I think). And yet, in a blink of an eye, I'd do it all again. It was one of the best trips I have ever been on. Although, after returning, I was a zombie for a few weeks, I was rested. My mind was fresh and sharp and all of my stress had left me as soon as I got on the plane to Ireland. So, sometimes I just need to let my hair down (and I mean, really let it down!) just to rest.
• Last semester I was mainly concentrating on my studies. I spent most of the time reading my books (and there were quite a few of them to be read) and doing homework instead of going out with my friends. Although it was quite rewarding in the academic sense, I was a wreck by the start of the summer. After cutting off my hair that had been slowly but steadily been falling out on its own initiative, I decided that my last undergrad year must not be like that. I must have it all - work hard, party hard has become my new guideline that I've been trying to follow through.
• I have understood finally that there are relationships and friendships that are not worth the heartache and distress that they cause. After seeing that some people whom I've considered to be my friends (and for that matter, were my friends - emphasis on the past tense) are no longer playing an important role in the life I lead today, I realised that people come and go in our lives. They leave a mark on our lives, an note in our memories but most of them are not here to stay for the rest of our lives. Probably, this is how one knows true friends from those temporary people: the former are those who will remain besides us. Friendships should not be the constant issue of distress; if they have become one, I have decided that it is time to let go of them.
• And finally, I learned about and developed "The Institution Theory". I think that there are maximum of 2 people besides me who know what this is about, but don't dismay, I might just explain all of this in 2010 or later. Until then, stay tuned!

All in all, it was a good year in many ways. There were, of course, bad moments and times when I was not in high spirits but I think I have enough to take with me to the new decade from 2009. There were probably more things I learned, and I'm sure there still numerous lessons I have to retake but in conclusion, it was the year I learned to let go...

Happy New Year!

With a penny to my name…

Today, I suddenly realised how quickly we forget about things that used to fascinate us. I was listening to Eva Cassidy’s song Penny To My Name and it has the following lines: “If I could see the sunset skies over fields of grain or ocean tide, city skyline in the night, I’d be dancing till the dawn”

It reminded me my when I was little. I grew up in a smallish town in the middle of Estonia. I didn’t go to the bigger towns very often, especially at night time. But few times a year we went to the theatre or a concert in Tallinn, so when we came back it was dark and you could see the city lights. I was really thrilled by them. Yes, we actually had street lights also in my home town but the billboards and the flashing lights were a rare sight for me. It looked so cool and fascinating.

Now I’m living in Tartu, the second biggest town in my country. We also have all those flashing lights but until now I have not noticed them. Somehow I have got used to all of it. I didn’t even remember ever liking it until I listened to those very lines tonight. Although I admit that we are living in the times of light pollution (I mean, when was the last time it was really pitch dark?), I still like looking out of the window when it is dark and glance at the lights.

All of this made me think about how many more of such small details am I missing out? I have grown used to things that used to fascinate me and thus they seem so mundane or even annoying. I have had the chance to observe and spend some few hours with my friends little daughter and this has made me see how interesting this world is to a child. Everything is brand new and exciting. I suppose it is inevitable that we lose much of that enthusiasm along the way as we grow more and more familiar with everything. Although, somewhere in the whole process we also seem to lose the ability to take joy in small things.

And then again, I think there are many more of those who cheer over the first snow every year like seeing it for the first time. Thus, all is not lost. I will try myself to be a bit better and take notice of things, try and remember why I loved them not so long ago…

I don’t know what I want, but I want it now!

Also: I know what I want, but I don’t want it now!

I guess I am in the age when you cannot sit still and are always waiting for something to happen. Most often I feel like I can tolerate (for the absence of better word, my life is actually quite lovely, so there’s not much to actually ‘tolerate’) everything that is going on at the moment only if there is something better coming very, very soon. So I keep dreaming that cool times are just around the corner, if I could only finish this one thing (what ever that would be, right now it’s probably my BA thesis), then I would be there already. Sometimes I feel like I need some big change in my life but I cannot figure out what it is that I should change!

Although, at the moment the problem is that I know what I want but now is really not the right time for it! And I’m not talking about big girly dreams of a good husband and children, although those things would go under this category as well. It seems like fate likes to play tricks on us. It is just as Jacque liked to say: “All of this has been written up above” (D. Diderot Jacque the Fatalist and His Master).

For example, I would  love to go to a certain concert, especially as they are touring with a brand new album. When are the concerts? Right now and in Feb/March. The time I have booked for writing my BA thesis. I have promised myself to concentrate on graduating until I am actually holding my diploma. It’s my ultimate priority, and nothing can change it. This is something I want. What I don’t want is temptations on my way to achieve it. It hurts me deeply that I am missing out on the chance to see one of my favourite bands performing live, and actually meeting some of the people whom I have had the honour to get to know through the Internet. It makes me angry but I cannot figure out who it is whom I’m angry with. I’m not mad at myself because I know I am doing the right thing; I’m not mad at the band because, hell, they are a band and should do gigs whenever they feel like it; I am definitely not mad at my friends for going to shows because they need to go there, they must have the chance for that fun.

I know it is such a petty thing to be worried about but I am quite disturbed. I had promised myself that I will go and see them perform live again and again. I also promised myself not to do anything before I am holding my first, undergrad degree. And you know, the second promise is so much more important for me.

But why do I still feel like a traitor and a failure? I guess it has all been written up above…

Dancing in the moonlight?

First of all, I wanted to say that I had already completed my whole post, when I suddenly pressed the wrong button and everything went poof. I really shouldn't be allowed near computers!

Instead of dancing in the moonlight, I actually wanted to share on ugly experience I had under the artificial lights of a night club. Last Wednesday I once again understood why I hate those places so much. I'm still terrified by what I saw there...

Well, what was so horrible that I witnessed? Nothing else than a normal Wednesday night for a bunch of people: getting shitfaced, finding the clothes that don't quite cover anything and head out to a club to dance. These people seem to me from a whole different culture; they seem to think that a great night out with friends is to go to a night club, dance in a very provocative way (on more advanced levels you get to do this by the wall or on the stage), the only way you can actually talk to people is to shout into their ears. And even then, they probably only catch a half of it. Although this is definitely a way of communicating, it is not the most convenient one. Not to mention that all the songs played in the night club sound the same to me (but there's no wonder; in my world the sentence 'I put some new music on my mp3-player' means that I added Black Sabbath's Greatest Hits album there...).

I know I sound like some old granny: today's youth is so corrupted. I admit, I have had fun time at night clubs. The last 2 times I went to M were quite a blast. Then again, considerable amount of alcohol was involved (I even reached the very advanced level: the bar). Nevertheless, I like my friends so much that I actually want to talk to them when we go out, not to express my feelings and thoughts through the medium of dance.
Moreover, the reason why I hate night clubs is very personal: every time I come home from one of them, my self-esteem plummets. In midst of all those scarcely dressed women I suddenly understand how unsexy and unattractive I am. Even more so, every last one of my dance moves seems extremely ridiculous. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want to impress any of those people who go to night clubs, but still, as a single 20-year-old, I'd like to feel pretty as well!

I still get twitches when I think back about the night at CT. I cannot even put it into words how badly I dislike those places. Let's just say that they are not for me. I'd rather have a beer with my dear friends at the pub or a glass of wine with some discussions about heaven and earth.
So you won't see me back at a club at least till April... Sorry, friends!