Disclaimer: the following post is dripping from negativity and self-pity. You are discouraged from reading it, but if your curiosity wins despite that, don't come blaming to me. For my own apology, I have to say that since I don't have any other way to put my misery into something creative, the poor pages of the Internet must endure my bad moments. Still, it is not too late to turn away from this page. You have been warned!
I hate days when I feel like I hate everything (it's a paradox, I know...). As shallow as it might sound, I actually like being the cheery and silly me who can always laugh and think of a joke and who doesn't have a care in the world. Lately, I'm seeing less and less of that side of me and more of that nasty moody side. Where did this smiley girl go? And why?
I have always thought that 'hate' is such a strong word and that I don't actually hate anything in the world. I did use that word, of course, for the sake of being understood but I really believed that I couldn't be so bitter to actually feel like this. Now I'm discovering that I am quite capable of hating and rather competent in being angry. They say that you can only hate someone or something that you used to love (hence the saying: there's a thin line between love and hate). It is true but I would also add to this that it is possible to hate people who ruin the things you love for you. And this has happened to me.
It is incredible how much energy hating takes away from you; the energy you could use to do something fun and good and useful but all of that is used to keep the fire of hate burning. And I really, really wish I could let go but I can't... And I hate it.
I have discovered that I have become more cynical and more irritated in the last few months. I can't really put my finger on why this has happened but I can see the change in me and unfortunately, I can also see how this affects the people close to me: my friends and family. It has become more and more difficult for me to hide it under a smiley face.
I think the first sign of warning came when I heard my father complain that I nag the most in our family. And I probably do! My mum was of course extremely happy to hand that title over to me but I'm not too pleased about it myself. I'm all hot and bothered whenever I'm at home and this probably makes me nag a lot. My relationship with my sister is completely in ruins and I just don't have the nerves and energy to fix it.
It is incredible that I still have such awesome friends around me despite me being a total mess. I've discovered that I'm completely abusing the phrase: "I'm sure (s)he is a very nice person but..." (meaning: I'm sure (s)he is a complete and utter idiot). I'm glad that there are at least a few people who understand what I mean and are able to turn it into a joke. Nevertheless, I have a secret fear that if I cannot go back to the old me, the most amazing friends that I am blessed with will turn from me one by one.
I try to be better but every day I see that I'm more and more turning into a miserable whinging b*tch: exactly the kind of person I cannot stand.
Sorry!
I hate days when I feel like I hate everything (it's a paradox, I know...). As shallow as it might sound, I actually like being the cheery and silly me who can always laugh and think of a joke and who doesn't have a care in the world. Lately, I'm seeing less and less of that side of me and more of that nasty moody side. Where did this smiley girl go? And why?
I have always thought that 'hate' is such a strong word and that I don't actually hate anything in the world. I did use that word, of course, for the sake of being understood but I really believed that I couldn't be so bitter to actually feel like this. Now I'm discovering that I am quite capable of hating and rather competent in being angry. They say that you can only hate someone or something that you used to love (hence the saying: there's a thin line between love and hate). It is true but I would also add to this that it is possible to hate people who ruin the things you love for you. And this has happened to me.
It is incredible how much energy hating takes away from you; the energy you could use to do something fun and good and useful but all of that is used to keep the fire of hate burning. And I really, really wish I could let go but I can't... And I hate it.
I have discovered that I have become more cynical and more irritated in the last few months. I can't really put my finger on why this has happened but I can see the change in me and unfortunately, I can also see how this affects the people close to me: my friends and family. It has become more and more difficult for me to hide it under a smiley face.
I think the first sign of warning came when I heard my father complain that I nag the most in our family. And I probably do! My mum was of course extremely happy to hand that title over to me but I'm not too pleased about it myself. I'm all hot and bothered whenever I'm at home and this probably makes me nag a lot. My relationship with my sister is completely in ruins and I just don't have the nerves and energy to fix it.
It is incredible that I still have such awesome friends around me despite me being a total mess. I've discovered that I'm completely abusing the phrase: "I'm sure (s)he is a very nice person but..." (meaning: I'm sure (s)he is a complete and utter idiot). I'm glad that there are at least a few people who understand what I mean and are able to turn it into a joke. Nevertheless, I have a secret fear that if I cannot go back to the old me, the most amazing friends that I am blessed with will turn from me one by one.
I try to be better but every day I see that I'm more and more turning into a miserable whinging b*tch: exactly the kind of person I cannot stand.
Sorry!
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