Also: I know what I want, but I don’t want it now!
I guess I am in the age when you cannot sit still and are always waiting for something to happen. Most often I feel like I can tolerate (for the absence of better word, my life is actually quite lovely, so there’s not much to actually ‘tolerate’) everything that is going on at the moment only if there is something better coming very, very soon. So I keep dreaming that cool times are just around the corner, if I could only finish this one thing (what ever that would be, right now it’s probably my BA thesis), then I would be there already. Sometimes I feel like I need some big change in my life but I cannot figure out what it is that I should change!
Although, at the moment the problem is that I know what I want but now is really not the right time for it! And I’m not talking about big girly dreams of a good husband and children, although those things would go under this category as well. It seems like fate likes to play tricks on us. It is just as Jacque liked to say: “All of this has been written up above” (D. Diderot Jacque the Fatalist and His Master).
For example, I would love to go to a certain concert, especially as they are touring with a brand new album. When are the concerts? Right now and in Feb/March. The time I have booked for writing my BA thesis. I have promised myself to concentrate on graduating until I am actually holding my diploma. It’s my ultimate priority, and nothing can change it. This is something I want. What I don’t want is temptations on my way to achieve it. It hurts me deeply that I am missing out on the chance to see one of my favourite bands performing live, and actually meeting some of the people whom I have had the honour to get to know through the Internet. It makes me angry but I cannot figure out who it is whom I’m angry with. I’m not mad at myself because I know I am doing the right thing; I’m not mad at the band because, hell, they are a band and should do gigs whenever they feel like it; I am definitely not mad at my friends for going to shows because they need to go there, they must have the chance for that fun.
I know it is such a petty thing to be worried about but I am quite disturbed. I had promised myself that I will go and see them perform live again and again. I also promised myself not to do anything before I am holding my first, undergrad degree. And you know, the second promise is so much more important for me.
But why do I still feel like a traitor and a failure? I guess it has all been written up above…
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