Old friends and bookends

Why is it that some people come into your life and stay no matter what you do or don’t do and then it just won’t work out with other people no matter how hard you try? And my god, you do try! You scorn, you put on a brave face, you doubt your sanity, your ability to experience feelings, you fight with yourself, you fight with people around you… and you give in and give up because you realise that at the end of the day, it’s just not worth it.

The long, long winter (which I’m not sure if I mentioned but was really long) is gone and the melting snow has displayed some of my age old (existential) problems: what exactly am I doing? There are some relationships in case of which I feel disappointment and I find it hard to figure out why. I’d like to think that it’s because I feel like I give out more than I receive but my conscience doesn’t allow this to be the only reason. Most probably there is no particular reason but being the sensible organ, my brain cannot refuse the opportunity to place the blame on someone. In the end, I have to admit that just like the compass needle that points to the north, my accusing finger always turns to myself (I have to apologise for this horrible bastardised version of a quote from K. Hosseini’s ‘A Thousand Splendid Suns’ which, by the way, is a wonderful book).

I guess I’m too tired to actually make sense and to retreat from speaking in riddles. The thing is that I feel like I have ran out of tricks how to keep some relationships going. Maybe I’m a horrible person but if friends are the family we choose then I want to make sure that I make the right choice. (Especially considering that the relationships in my real family are not perfect either.) It means that if I feel I don’t get anything in return from that relationship, I won’t press it. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be… But why do I still feel so bad for even having these thoughts? And I’m still very much afraid that at the end of the day I’m standing here alone, thinking how wrong I was in my judgement.

Well, actually things are not that bad. There are still some great people to be found. For example, people who make sure you are ready for a zombie apocalypse; people whom you only see a few times a year when they invite you over for a lovely dinner and board games; people whose kind words make tears well up in your eyes. And the fact that these people actually exist and consider me as their friend never ceases to amaze me.

In much the same way my oldest best friends have not yet disappointed me. Who are they? Not who but what: books. I’ve been reading some amazing books lately and on my book shelf, awaiting, are also some promising works of literature. Not to mention the few that are on their way to my warm room. So if all else fails, I still have something to fall back on…