Losing keys...

The world has its ways
To quite us down
The world has its ways
To quiet us down comes the rain
Down comes our spirits again
But Down comes the strength
To lift us up and then...

Jack Johnson. Losing Keys (from Sleep Through The Static. 2008)

I open up my head inside

Don't hit me, but sometimes I start to think about the existential questions. Not the "where have we been, where do we go, what's the meaning of life?" (Poppy and Happy-Go-Lucky reference) type of questions but more like... what's the purpose of it all?

As you can see, I'm not in the brightest of my moods lately, this is why I start thinking about silly things. Now I've come to the "tragic" fact that as much as I love what I'm doing, I'm not good at it.

I love studying English in the university. I work hard, you know, the geek who I am. But then again I see people coming to the lectures pretty much straight from the pub, and still giving better answers than me! You can only imagine how frustrating it feels. I feel like dropping everything I do, and just pout under the blanket. What's the point of my hard work if it goes unnoticed. Arrggghh! This makes me feel as if I don't try hard enough, and although my health (yes, even my physical health) has been put to a test quite a few times during this semester, I'm still achieving close to nothing. What else could I do? I understand how much more there is to know and it scares me to think that what if I never get to know those things. I don't even know where to start. I've always been the ambitious type but now I see I'm barely average, and it slowly kills me inside. And I can't actually tell this to anyone. They take on look at my GPA, and tell me I'm delusional. Am I? I don't think so. Just because my brain works in a way that exam form of questions and answers suits me doesn't mean that I'm actually good at it.

I know I'm driving myself mad, but I can help it! I've decided not to apply to Canada for an exchange student because I don't feel like it. What's the point anyway, I most probably won't be picked anyway...

Breathe in, breathe out. I'm okay. Really, I am. And always will be. Don't worry.

Temporary stars.

I'd like to write but I feel that my great "tragedy" seems to be that I don't have a great passion or great sorrow to write about. My greatest feelings occupy me when I am reading other people's masterpieces, and they make me realise I'll never be as good. But it is one of my dreams to be able to write a novel. Or even a decent short story. Please understand that I said to write and not to have published.
When I first met one of my current friends, she asked me, which was a greater tragedy: whether to have a talent to write, draw etc but not have an idea, or to have an idea but not gifts to realise it. As back then, I still don't know what to answer. I know I lack of both.

I also wanted to talk about families. Yes, in plural. I think I'm lucky because I have so many different families. What makes a family different from friends? You can choose your friends, but you cannot choose you family. Easy as that. The first family is my mother, father and sister. I couldn't choose them, but they've turned out pretty good. Yeah, we fight, we cry, we laugh, we pull each other's leg... that's all part of it. My second family was the one during high school, M. and H - my "grandma" and my "sister". They were awesome, and made my high school experience even more special. Now I have once again a new family, in the dorm. I couldn't choose whom I am going live together with. But I was once again lucky - K., K. and L. (who, I know, doesn't live with us anymore, but still). Living in the dorm is an experience I'm happy to have. I have a new room mate and we get along but not that well. She hasn't blended in, yet.

Who needs please when we've got guns?

For some people there is the notion as 'right opinion'.
How can an opinion be right or wrong? Aren't we all entitled to our own opinions? Oh, dear me, I must have been dreaming that. Mine are obviously terribly wrong.

To err is human. Errare humanum est as the Romans would say.
And yet again, I've been living in illusions. Because obviously some people are not allowed to make mistakes. And when they do, you must definitely point them out and roll your eyes. Yes, it's a must.

You better hope you're not alone.

It's been a long time since I've actually written something on my own over here. You can seek reasons for that in my extremely limited free time; and secondly, nothing interesting has actually happen except for my health failing every now and then...

Some time ago, one of my favourite lecturers said something that really made me think. It was the lecture on the 1960s in the United States: hope, rebellion and disappointment; hippies and student activists etc. She said:

"The 1960s were the last time that the young believed they could actually change the world."

The scary part of it is that it's actually true. When I look around in the world that I live in today, I see so many things that have gone and are going terribly, terribly wrong: the wars are dragging on, there's poverty and hunger, our environment becomes more and more dangerous for us to live in, maniacs and crazy people killing and torturing their 'brethren'... shall I go on?

As much as I'd like to change it, I don't believe that I can change it. I try to live up to my own standards, and I hope that people around me respect them and have similar ones. This is as much as I'm able to do for the world.

"An individual action, multiplied by millions, creates global change"

It is a statement, or should I say, a slogan, from Jack Johnson's homepage. He has, of course, focused on the 'global warming'. (I put it between inverted commas because of what I believe; I do care about the environment but I don't agree with everything that is fed to us.) It is true, of course, but in this self-centered world we live in, is it possible? Or more importantly: do we believe it's possible?

People who know me are aware that I tend to get very much involved in "making the world a better place" but I must admit, I have but little belief in it. I just don't often display it because I have an image to keep.

I think we all have learnt from the history, (and after all, this is what history is for) because the youth in the 1960s did not see the world changing for a better place. Vice versa, the 1970s turned out to be rather miserable. No wonder we've lost all hope.

But as long as we don't turn our backs completely to what is going on in the world, I think we'll survive. Let's just keep our hearts warm and our minds sharp, and maybe, just maybe, we can once again believe in the mankind.

Sounds of silence.

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence

"Fools", said I, "You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you
"But my words, like silent raindrops fell
And echoed
In the wells of silence

Paul Simon. Sounds of Silence. 1964

I saw Fight Club. Again.

If you could be either God's worst enemy or nothing, which would you choose? We're the middle children of history, we have no special purpose or place, and unless we get God's attention, we have no hope of damnation or redemption. Which is worse, hell or nothing? Burn the museums, wipe your ass with the Mona Lisa. This way, at least God will know your name.

Chuck Palahniuk. Fight Club. 1996.

Could this Tyler Durden's monologue be the next Hamlet's soliloquy: (I should probably be thrown to death with stones or burnt alive for this sacrilege, but it made me think...)

In the world I see - you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Tower. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying strips of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned superhighway.

Chuck Palahniuk. Fight Club. 1996

I do care...

"No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the Continent, a part of the maine; . . . any mans death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankinde."

John Donne, 1623.

Source of all evil?

Such was that happy garden-state
While man there walked without a mate:
After a place so pure, and sweet,
What other help could yet be meet!
But 'twas beyond a mortal's share
To wander solitary there:
Two paradises 'twere in one
To live in paradise alone.

A stanza from Andrew Marvell's The Garden

A letter to a friend.

However hard I try, I am a typical Estonian, so don't expect me to show my feelings openly. But never forget that I do actually care and thank the higher powers for you being here with me daily.
I might be the goofy one always cracking the jokes and going along with silly coversations that in the end lead nowhere. I can be the quiet and serious one. Lately I have felt that I need more me time but that doesn't mean I don't need you. I might have been more serious lately but try and understand me, I have stuff to figure out inside my head and heart. As much as I'd like, I cannot always be the smiling and cheering girl and more and more I wish to discuss serious stuff but sometimes I feel it's hard to break the habit of goofing. So if I'm not in the mood, let me be and know that in my heart I still care so much about.
No matter where you are, I cannot say the words "I miss you" with a full heart. Not because I don't miss you but because as long as I know you're doing fine and having fun, I'm happy and have no selfish reason to be missing you. So I don't miss you but I'm glad for the moments that we can spend together.
I am blessed to have so many friends and sometimes I feel like I don't deserve you because I sometimes take you for granted and take more than I give. But it's not like that deep down inside, I just have a hard time admitting my feelings. You are special to me!
So appologies for me being bitter and cold but there'll be sunshiny days once again.
Yours truely,
Eevika

P.s. - This is not addressed to anyone particular but to every single one of you who consider me as a friend.

Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold..

When did the world stop caring?
I'm asking this question because I had stopped caring but in the light of the event taken place in the past few weeks... I suddenly realise how cold I have become and how busy we all are not caring
When the conflict in Georgia burst into flames, I realised how fragile is our comfortable everyday life. And it is then that my dear friend told that people were being killed all over the world every single day, why this one is that much more special. True... but what scared me was the well-know phrase: he who does not learn from history is doomed to repeat it.
I had a rough day on Tuesday, emotionally. It started with my great-uncle's funerals. When my time comes, hopefully not that soon, I'd rather rise from the dead than have a funeral like this... The whole speech was such a cliche and let's be honest, quite a bullshit. Starting with calling my late uncle Nikolai all the time... He was always uncle Konts! Nikolai my ass... everyone knew him has Konts. I even thought till Saturday that his real name was Konstantin. And not to mention the open coffin - the most horrible custom ever! He looked nothing like himself, I'd rather believe that it was someone else..
I want people to laugh at my funeral and be happy about my life, tell funny stories and embarrassing moments of my life.
Coming back to the question at the beginning of the post, why do we need to have those big events to remind us that it's pretty good to be Estonian? But then again, who am I to speak. A few years ago I kept dreaming of getting out of this country. But although I'm not going around in tricolours or screaming it out loud, I do like being Estonian and even though the politicians suck, this is a pretty awesome place to live. And I am proud to be Estonian with all our history and share my nationality with such great people as Kanter, Kross, Pärt.. and I could go on for ever.
I was watching the evening news the other day and there was an item about a plane crash in Spain. How many of you noticed it? How many of you felt the dread when the death of at least a hundred people was announced? This reminds me of Jack Johnson's lyrics:
A billion people died on the news tonight
But not so many cried at the terrible sight
[...]
Why don't the newscasters cry when they read about people who die?
At least they could be decent enough to put just a tear in their eyes
And I know that you can take everything that happens into your heart and shed a tear for it, but we should at least think that for every person who dies, there is a bunch left behind who are crying over the loss of their mother, daughter, son.. etc. I personally don't wish to be such a cold stone anymore who doesn't blink her eye for anything. I know this is much harder but in the end, much more rewarding.

I've no idea what I wish to achieve with this post but I just wanted to share my feelings. And I hope to feel more in the future.

These are the days it never rains but it pours

I've never been the kind of person, who lays her head down on the pillow and falls soundly asleep. No, I usually have to wait and wait for Mr Sandman to come and during that time, I start to think about things.
So last night I got an idea and that's usually a bad sign. It's actually a very innocent and raw thought that I developed and I have no idea whatsoever, what to do with it.


The world has gone crazy and I have no idea how to fight against it. So, last night I thought what if after I've received my degree as a teacher, I work a little over here and then find a way how to volunteer to Africa.

I know, this sounds insane for many justified reasons beginning with me being only (almost) second year student and I have 4 (!!) years till I get the degree. Who knows, I might even change my mind and end up studying something else. Or.. at the moment, it is hard to believe, but maybe I have a family by then and don't wish to go anywhere. Everything is possible, look at my dear friend A., mother of a baby girl!!


But why I'm writing it down? For remembrance. I've always talked about doing volunteer work, but I've also always thought it wasn't really for me. Till now. I think I could really do this. I have no idea how, where or what, but I want to do this and I don't want to do it NOW but when I can actually offer something to the people in need.

I know people to that know me, especially my family, will consider this as a stupid idea and I agree to some extent, but what if someday somehow I managed to do it? What if this is really something to me?

Silence before the storm?

It is a well-known and rather obvious fact that I haven't been an active blogger lately. It must be due to my inability to turn my emotions, thoughts and experiences into words, sentences and paragraphs that would make later sense to myself and to whoever happens to stop in this place. So therefore it has been a quiet place with tumbleweed rolling between the posts.

What has happened in between? A lot and not much. I've travelled around Estonia, visiting people, spent time at home, had my share of laughs and moments of distress... The usual stuff. I've also participated in wonderful events and intriguing discussions, read a bit (but clearly not enough) and made a lot of promises for the starting new year in university. I'd write them down here but I don't wish to look at them in a few months time only to admit that I've managed to avoid each and every one of those. No hidden catch, no strings attached, just free love, in the words of DM.

But what does lie in the very near future is my "pilgrimage" to Israel and I can't wait for it. This is going to be adventurous for sure. I'm not even scared at the moment because I don't know what to fear. Surely, I won't be intimidated by the fact that it is not the most stable place in the world, but have you notice? The whole fucking world has gone mad!!

This brings me to my point of concern - Russia and Georgia... There's a fucking war going on and I'm scared as hell! If President Medvedjev's reasoning for the bombing is the message of peace then we are all screwed!! I know, Georgia is not totally innocent herself, the truth lies somewhere in between but if Russia is so ready to attack a sovereign country as Georgia... who will be next? Bringing in troops to Eastern Estonia to "protect" Russian citizens here, because God knows we are all nazis and facists over here? I'm scared... I'm only 19 and I want to live my life in a happy bubble without witnessing a war! But right now, I'm not sure if this will be my future vision. Watching the desperate people on TV in front of destroyed and burning houses, holding their loved ones who had not been lucky bring tears in my eyes!! How can you kill innocent people who are just like me or you??

My heart and my thoughts are with the Georgian nation... Every hour I pray for peace to come because war is not a solution to any problem! I hope whoever happens to read this joins me in my prayers and understands how fragile is peace and quiet...

Perfection.

Usually the simplest things bring you the greatest joy. Today I had a moment of perfection. I'm not good with words, but I will try an "paint" you the picture.

Imagine an averagely bad Estonian summer day. It's round 18 or 19 degrees and it has just stopped raining. The sun is peeking behind the clouds but the sky is full of dark clouds. You decide to go for a swim, regardless the cool weather.

You get on your bike, packed with towel and a sweater for coming back and race to the lake. Somewhere in the back of your mind there's a thought: I don't have to do this to myself, it's cold! But you are already by the lake.

You undress quickly because the more you think, the less you are willing to take off your clothes. And to the water you go. Surprisingly it is not cold at all because the water and air temperature is the same. You wade trough the clear water, fish swimming around your feel and quickly make sure that you navel is wet because it's the place in your body that fears the most of the water. You breathe in and dive underwater.

You feel freshness from the first second and when you stick your head on the surface again, you start swimming. You go slowly through the clean water, there's no one else around you here, only the two guys about 20 metres away. You feel how the water is clearing your mind from all the negative things and you only enjoy this moment in the water.

You turn around to swim back and you notice a rainbow in the sky. It is only partial but it shines so bright in the background of dark threatening clouds. You absorb this moment and as you swim in the calm lake, you see the reflection of the sky on the surface of the lake. Two rainbows, one in the sky and one in the lake. And the water feels so good around you. You could swim forever in that perfect moment. It's just you and the lake with the green surroundings that edge the blue clouds upon which shines the magnificent rainbow.

The whole day of gruesome and negative thoughts are behind you and this one moment for yourself was all worth it.

I know I'm a romanticist but that was my moment. My summer.

Echoes and Silence, Patience and Grace

I guess that I can say now that my fears have been more or less unnecessary because the magic 7 is once again in action. More or less. It seems that we have enough to laugh over and although we have all changed, it does not bother us to enjoy each other's company. Thanks to that I have some sort of peace of mind. The girls have a lot to tell us about their experience, they'll keep on talking about it for the rest of their lives, I'm sure. I just hope that my simple life (no pun intended!) does not bore them and they are still willing to hear from me every now and then.

I must admit, I envy Liina and Jo. In a good way of course. The experience they had is indescribable and the whole adventure is just fabulous. Instead of waiting in the safe comfort of home for the time when I'm going to do all those big things, they went out and did it. And that's just perfect. I'm glad to have friends who are like that. I guess I keep waiting and waiting and maybe if I'm good enough, my time will come.

I've been in a relatively good mood ever since last Thursday evening when I was helping out at a bike race once again. I guess I've learnt to take things more easily and try not to worry about small things. I even haven't let the weather get me down nor anything else. I just sometimes feel a bit imprisoned here in this town... you know, depressive Estonian small-town. I know I have the chance to escape to Tartu whenever I feel like it but then again, as I have no official business there (as I am unemployed so to say), I feel the obligation to be here at my parents' place. So far I haven't had any major clashes with them, so let's hope for the best. And I have invited people over, my dear Viljandi-girls know that they are always welcomed here, but I understand why they don't have the will to come, the drive and everything!

And just a small note to some people who want to help others. On the right hand corner, there is a small banner and this takes you to the HopeBuilders home site. This is a part of Habitat For Humanity that is an oranisation helping those in need, people who have nowhere to live and builds them a house. As we do not have this programme in Estonia and we cannot actually put our hands to the building process itself, but there is a chance to make a donation. Just click the link, then on the right hand side there is "Find friend's place", click that and choose the letter E and you will see ECHELON on the list (the chief of this group is Lily) and if any of you wishes to join us, there you can make a donation. No pressure and no hard feelings. I just wanted to spread the information...

We were merely freshmen...

We tried to wash our hands of all of this; We never talked of the lacking relationships; And now we're guilt-stricken, sobbing with our heads on the floor; We fell through the ice when we tried not to slip... (http://youtube.com/watch?v=sVNAp1C8LIw)

My first year in the university is over. It's even a bit sad how quickly this has past, because I believe that the university days are the best ones in your life. Never again will there be days, when you can only live for yourself, the frontiers are made only by you. And I think I'm enjoying it quite fully.

What will I remember from this first year?
1) My new and absolutely awesome friends. I've met with so many wonderful and interesting people, who all have their own way of thinking and it's incredible how we all manage to complement each other and have so much fun together. You are really wonderful!
2) Some what clarity concerning my future plans. I mean, the only certain thing is that there's no certain things. But still, this first year opened my eyes a bit and made me set some of my goals, that I might or might not wish to achieve.
3) Some adventures and fun times spent together with friends. All those Wednesday-night parties, cooking eve's with Kätlin, playing pool with guys, vodka-coctail nights in our room...
4) Return to belly dance. Who would have ever guess that I actually plug my courage and step in a studio and start over again. Moreover, I even maneged to dance at the concert! This was quite an achievement for me.

Hopefully the next years will be as memorable as this one.
----------------------------------------------------------

L. and J. are back. The reunion was emotional. I'm still a bit intimidated about the future relationship...

Dream a little dream of...

... 30 Seconds To Mars.
Surprised? Probably not. But what a lovely dream it was...

It was spring time in my hometown Türi, which is generally known for being Estonia's capital of spring. So usually when the spring starts, we have a little thing on the central square. And there we were: me, my mother and my father. I had looked in the paper that 30 Seconds To Mars was supposed to perform there and I was sure it was a mistake. So we were just waiting outside the department store, just across the street from the square.

At first there were some rap artists performing and I was extremely bored. There was so many people and the stages was far away as well. I thought I heard the sound of EOTB but it was just a teaser. Instead of that, it turned into Limp Bizkit's Rollin' (at least I think it's the name of the song). Anyway, not good.

As I was looking for the newspaper where I had found the adverb for this event, to see if I was correct about this certain band. And I didn't find it anymore. As I was going through the pages, I suddenly hear The Kill! I just ran to the direction of the stage, which was actually a catwalk. I was already singing along while I was running through people and jumping over those who were sitting on the ground. Everyone looked at me like a loon. There were a lot of people at the end of the catwalk (because Mr. Frontman happened to be there), so I made my way passed them, my heart was beating so fast, my hand were shaking... I made it exactly to the side of the catwalk. To the place were it turned and the actual stage was.

The song was almost over and I did see Jared pass by a few times and then Tomo jumped off the stage for some reason, and he couldn't get back up. So I helped him. Now this is an embarrassing part: he pulled me on the catwalk as well and we both bowed. So after that everyone went behind the corner to discuss something. I was so hoping that they'd do another song! And I overheard Jared speaking that they can't play on this kind of a stage.

The strange thing is, that I don't remember seeing Tim anywhere, just Jared, Shannon and Tomo. And as I was waiting there (I was alone, because obviously I don't have many acquaintances left in my hometown) and there was Tomo beside the stage and he started talking to me, asking me what had happened to my thumb (for some reason it was bleeding) and I told him it was my cat (very logical answer, because that is usually the reason why my hands are all torn). And then he asked me if it was my first concert, and how I'm enjoying it so far... And I was just there talking to him like it was nothing! So I asked him do they have this stage-thing often and he said, yeah.

Then he was called aside and I quickly reached for my phone to call Elerin to tell her that 30 is performing in my hometown and that I had talked to Tomo and how I was in the first row! But I had to end the call, because the band was going back on stage and I rushed to my spot again. Before that I managed to play the staring game with Shannon, which I obviously lost and Tomo said that it's okay, Shannon is the champion of that! (yeah, this is the weird part) They started playing another song but I can't remember what it was.

And this is how much I remember of my dream. I also remember that I knew that they were performing in Tallinn on June 16 (Elerin's birthday, how convenient). And that's all...

And if anyone dares to question it, the answer is yes: I'm totally and utterly insane! But happy about it :)

Semper eadem.

Once again it has been a while since I've written down anything. So much and yet so little has happened.

The end of my first year in university is almost here and the fact that I have been lazy through out the seminar has left its mark on my progress. But I am actually doing best not to stress about it all and take it with calm and reason, this saves so much more energy. And the fact that I signed up to make a fool out of myself on May 31 in public does not exactly contribute to my school work. I mean, nothing serious is happening. I have all the nessecary thing done and I'm not desperate in any of the subject, yet there are some that I'm not so sure about. Like English literature. This one requires a lot of reading and I really hope I can manage with it all. But then again, I'm taking the exam on June 9th, so there's no point in panicking at the moment. And I'm not worried about my essay for the Writing Course, because I know my subject and I have my sources, I just now have to read an dput it all together. Oh, and by the way, I'm writing about Elizabeth I. A person from English history who has made me love her era. And when my mother asked me watching the Millionaire show who had been on the throne before Elizabeth, I immediately answerd: "Mary I. Bloody Mary". And then looking at the question ("Which of those Europan countries had only female monarchs in the 20th century?") I looked at her with a dumb face and asking why would she as me about Elizabeth who lived in the 16th century. My mother kindly reminded me that England has Elizabeth sitting on the throne at the moment as well. And of course her predecessor had been George VI.

Anyway, I'm concentraiting on the symbology of Elizabeth I and their presence in her portraits. Seems interesting. At least for me.

But translation is not probabaly not my thing. At least not now, when I haven't had any courses on translation theory. I spent the last week desperately translating Capote, Austen and Wilde, all together 150 pages. Oh, the sleepless nights when I finally started to read everything in English the way that I transleted it into Estonian. And when I thought, what the hell am I doing, I realised, this is too much. But I got a lovely passage from Wilde's The Picture of Dorian Gray and although I probably invented some of the words, the lecturer seemed to be satisfied.. One down, a lot more to go.

L. & J. are coming back to Estonia. Sometimes I wonder if we ever have the same kind of relation ship again that we had in secondary school. And I'm afraid that the answer is no. It's not me or them or anyone. In fact, it's everyone. Each and every one of us has grown in our own direction a bit. The fact that we are not spending every day together, but counted hours once in two month does change the relationship. I know that I'm not the same person. Sure, our jokes are still funny and all my girls are very-very special to me. I was just looking at some photos tonight. Of my birthday. Of St. John's Day. Graduation. I love you to death. I hope that if you are reading this, you understand where I'm coming from. Maybe you have felt the same.

But one thing is sure, when our Aussies arrive, we'll have a proper party, you hear me, sweethearts!?

Well, I guess that's all for now. If I survive the next two weeks, you might hear more of me :)

There's an answer in the sound of a train...

I thought I'd be a good girl and to some more entries this week. Not that I have anything big to say but I just want to..


First of all, as the people who actually read this blog belong to my confined social circle, then I once again toss in some recommendations. I mean these little notices by me do not chance the world for the better place. Most probably they are nothing new to a lot of people in this world but I like to share my experiences...

• My discovery, or actually a band that I was helped to discover, is Incubus. Incubus is an American alternative rock band, whose first album was released already in 1995. The leader of the band, the lyricsist and singer, Brandon Boyd. A true genius with words and I've only started to discover the music. But Incubus takes time to get to you and needs dedication to its music. A great video and song by them, which I very much enjoy is Anna Molly. The link to youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p93XOlLoFws


• Again this is a song and an artist that I was intoduced to: Marié Digby. Not exactly my cup of tea but I really like the lyrics of one perticular song I find really beautiful. And this is why I decided to share this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TrFi7ydokgI


• Pasta. This is something I eat weekly: pasta with tuna, chicken, just cheese... Really easy to make. Take some macaronis or spaghetti, when this is ready, pour some milk or coffee cream (milk has less fat in it) and put some salt, spices and then cheese. I recommend Merevaik or something like that. Use your wildest imagnenation, put some chicken, tuna, why not vegetables in it. Tastes like heaven! Muaahh..

Another week has passed by so quickly. Where's the rush with time? I don't know... Had a great time last night with two extremely intelligant people who are at the same time hilariously sarcastic. A dear friend of mine said that if she wrote a book, then she's name it Midnight Margaritas. Yet I think that midnight tortillas are just as great! After having escaped from a strange birthday party, I was tricked to go to my friend's place by promising tortillas and cheap Bulgarian wine. Who could have said no? And also a girl from my basic school years who is in Estonia for few days was with us as well and I just can't say no to the opportunity to exchange a few words with her. So we spent the evening discussing topics from the Bible to Playboy. The main discussion was done by my old class mate and her flat mate but it was thoughroughly enjoyable!

I'm going to have a busy month and a half ahead of me.. let's hope I'm ready for it. And at the top of everything, there is a really slight chance that a certain band will give a concert in Helsinki... and that I would not want to miss. But in the mean time, I must have Lenin's words echoing in my head: "Study! Study" Study!". Talking about Lenin and Russian, than I managed to surprise my sweet little course mate Anja with some knowledge from Russian grammar! So much fun...

A fun fact, have you ever thought about that swear words have their own grammar rules? Like you cannot tell someone "You damn" but you always say "Damn you". Or that you can use both "you" and "off" with the word "fuck" but you cannot use "you" with the word "piss". Strange, isn't it?

While I might not yet be a rock star....

.... I'm definitely gonna rock the theatre stage on May 31st!!!!!

Come over to the dark side. We have cookies.

I'm tried using Ave's little secret recipe to keep up with my blog but it was no help for me... I'm a hopeless case and my appologies for that!

Spring is here with al it's pleasure and pain. The shing sun and warm days let me believe that I can leave my winter coat at home and dress up more spring-like. Incredible that even after 19 years of experience I still fall for it and the result is here - the nastiest cold I've experienced in years!! Congradulations, smartass!

Alongside with the usual stuff, there are also some great things that have happened in between. The first of them was Good Charlotte's concert.

Eventhough I felt ancient there among all these 14-year-olds. Children these days are weird. When I was 14, I liked Westlife and Vonda Shepard. I didn't dye my hair black and paint my eyes black at that time. Okay, my hair stays red at the moment as well, eventhough my eye make-up is a bit darker in occasions.
Bedwetters were... interesting is the correct term I believe. I'm just glad I didn't get my ass kicked by their fans because of my big mouth and what comes out of there. I think I made some silly remarks... but at least me, Asti and Elerin had fun!

The rea thing was awesome!! I've told it before, but I've never been a fan of Good Charlotte but boy do those guys know how to rock on the stage!! I mean they made no discount and gave 100% of them. My highlights of the concert:

• The River - Love the song, it's a shame that they played it as their first song but it got the crowd (me included) jumping from the first note
• So Lonely (The Police cover) - a girl beside me watched me like a loony because I screamed to sing along this song at the top of my voice. I mean GC doing The Police cover? WOW!
• Benji's acoustic set - I love acoustic music and he sang so beautifully
• Joel talking to the crowd that they do not answer to journalists asking about their private life. The only people they answer to is us (their fans) and I like that idea.

And no, I didn not nor did I want to see Paris Hilton at the concert!

In Tallinn, I met with another great person, Helen. She's another Marsian like myself, so I hope to get to know her more.

My ineritance from Tallinn was the worst cold in years. I swear I haven't sneazed and blown my nose that much for years! And when you can't sleep and breathe, it kinda pisses you off. And I was this close to posting a very dark and bitter piece of writing here... but even dark clouds go away and the knowing the sun always shines, sometime she's just behind the clouds, gave me strenght not to do that...

So instead, I'm just posting quite an empty thingie and once again promise to be more consistent...

Waiting for the summer...

I admire Ave and her ability to keep up with her blog so regularly! I mean look at me...

So what has been going on? School, crazy plans and fun parties if to sum it all up. Let's start with parties, shall we?

Film and pool night. On Good Friday, my Kätlin had organised us a place to bake a cake and watch a movie. So the plan was to meet up in Rimi at 7 pm. We didn't find our ingredients over there so we headed to the next supermarket. Well, we finally made it to Jon's place and me and Kätlin started cooking while the guys were constantly stealing all the ingredients. We had the recipe as well but most of our cake was improvisation. But when we served it with ice cream and peaches, it tasted like heaven! Then we watched Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights and after that the question "What now?" aroused. It was round midnight and we decided to go to play pool at a fraternity house basement. I was like: "Goddammit!! Not again!" but this time they actually took the time to explain the basics instead of just telling: "Hit that, a bit left, point it like that" (which last time ended up leaving me in total confusion and I just hit the balls because I had no idea what they were telling me). This time I could even play on my own! Lost all the games naturally but boy can I make some great hits. I mean the ball is on the edge of the hole. I hit the ball, it moves and it won't go in! I mean one more millimeter and it would definitely have been in but no... and sometimes they all looked at me after the hits and asked: "How on Earth did you manage to do it like that!?" It's a gift... just face it! I made it home round 3 am again that night.

Purim. Purim is a Jewish holiday that my friend and course mate Anna asked us to come and celebrate at her place on Saturday, March 22. The tradition tells that this is the day when you have to eat a lot, drink a lot and make a lot of noise. In other words: have hell of a lot fun. And that we did! It was a costume party, so I decided to dress up as a gypsy. It was so much fun doing the dark and over exaggerated eye make up like I used back when I was still performing with belly dance! And my pretty thingy around my hips I felt like I should do the belly dance. Which I did! They managed to find Shakira's "Hips Don't Lie" and forced me to dance... Like I needed some forcing after a mojito and some wine!
Talking about belly dancing then I don't know if I have told you this but I'm back in dancing lessons and absolutely loving them! This is my thing! And even thought some of the choreographies are such killers, I love it! I just stump my feet and make some weird moves again when were dancing "El Salam"!

Anyway, back to Purim party. I met some great people there and I guess I was the one dancing around all the time. I loved it, I mean I had no problems talking to people I hadn't met before. And those I actually had met... Again my bad waited for me round 3 am! (who needs sleep any way!)

Helen's birthday. Saturday, March 29. This day was doomed from the beginning. Round 2 pm I had already managed to drink 1/3 of the champagne bottle. I went to see Kata's new flat (which is adorable!!) and as usually she made me eat so much and offered wine and champagne. I rushed home and quickly changed clothes when I already had to be at Anna's to practise our wonderful performance of Boogie Nights for Helen. I was already quite in a mood, so there was no problem for me!

We made it to Helen's dorm (the notorious Narva rd 89) round half past 8 and me and Kätlin started drinking our wines. There was so much food again, I mean I ate like a pig. And drank like one as well! I mean more than 1 bottle of wine per person!! No wonder I was quite drunk by midnight when we were going to Illegard. And I needed to pee so badly! I mean I didn't risk at going to the toilet in the dorm, this place is freaky even when you're pissed.

So we had lots of fun on our way and even more fun when we were coming from the pub. I mean I was like a fucking Duracell bunny: jumping and dancing around, going crazy in the snow and Kätlin kept telling me: "Eeva!!! NOOO!!"

The morning wasn't my favourite... damn that wine!

Now to my crazy plan. You have all probably heard about it but still, here it is: Israel. I'm going there, I have to go there. My plan includes finding a job for the summer (the tricky part) and then getting enough money and I'm fucking going to Israel!!

Why there, you ask? Answer is simple: I was asked. My dear friend Shani told me "You are SO coming to Israel" and I thought, why not! This girl is fabulous! And from what I've heard from Anna, Israel is miraculous as well! I mean you can go to Paris or London anytime. I've already proven that with my London trip. (which by the way I miss so much, I'm again suffering from PCD = post-concert depression; watching the videos and listening to the songs makes me wanna go again!!).

But I have a goal, a dream once again and I'm going to go for it!!

The university demands a lot of work at the moment, all those paper I have to write... but I'll manage. I know I will! I have to!

And now I thought I'd toss in some recommendations. Just for the fun...

• Darren Aronofsky's Requiem for a Dream. One of the movies that managed to touch me really badly. I mean this movies is a wonderful piece of art, in my opinion it should be among the classics. I mean I was very close to throwing up at the end of the movie. I, who can watch everything on TV without blinking my eye, I had to turn my head away... The film is about down fall. The unglamorous life of an addict. This leaves no hope for better future for the characters. This should be shown in schools for children, let's see if drugs seems so appealing after that as well... This is the instrumental song from the film (beautiful): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2Ma4BvMUwU


• Kar Wai Wong's My Blueberry Nights. Now this is an entirely different movie. A love story, sweet and predictable, yet it's better than the usual Hollywood stuff. Great camera work. And of course if you happen to be female, you're attraction to the film is this: Jude Law!! The trailer of the film: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=86kckraMXtI


• Eva Cassidy "Bridge Over Troubled Water". The song was first sang by Paul Simon & Art Garlfunker but I fell in love with her version. I listen to this song multiple times a day. It's so simple and beautiful and has pretty lyrics: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K4C9mH6_47Q

I guess that's it for today. Going to see Good Charlotte on Wednesday, can't wait for it. I long for a good rock out and this is what I'm planing to do! I just have to think what I'll wear for it. Would it be totally inappropriate to wear my 30 shirt?

Two...

It's a little something I got from Ave's blog. She said that for someone who is bored and I am bored...

2 things you're wearing at the moment:
* my black home pants
*pink sweater

2 favourite activities
*reading
*listening to music

2 things I terribly yearn for
*a certain concert
*a cup of good cocoa, I mean not the sweet one with chocolate taste, but the real thing, bitter taste and all

2 things I did last night
*sat in a café with friends
*conspect on teaching methologies

2 things I ate today
*rice with vegetables
*a very green apple

2 persons I talked to last
*Liisa
*my mom

2 things I'm doing tomorrow
*go to the writing seminar
*go to my French lesson

2 longest trips by car
*Türi-Tallinn-Koidula checkpoint-Türi (one day, years ago)
*(by bus) Viljandi-Warsaw-Prague-Lucerne-Taizé-Paris-Lübeck-Lund-Kappelskäri-Türi

2 favourite drinks
*original green tea with sinnamon sticks
*rhubarb root beer (best thing in the world!)

2 things I haven't said about myself in this blog
*I hate Türi
*I'm thinking of having black highlights and a henna tattoo for the summer

2 jobs I'd never do
*accounting (frigging numbers)
*be responsible for waking people up in the mornings

2 films I'd watch over and over again
*Love Actually (I've seen it for at least 10 times by now)
*Fight Club

2 places I could live
*Viljandi
*the UK (if I had a lot of money)

2 places I'd rather be at the moment
*the UK
*Spain

2 people who'd answer to this questionnaire
*I'm not that naive to think that people actually read my blog and re-post it
*what I said already

Time is out of joint.

It's been a while since I've posted anything in here. The London overview was an exception. But how have I been...

Well, I must admit that since I've been back from this crazy trip of mine, I felt a little empty afterwards. I had waited for it for 4 months and now I have nothing to wait for. The university seems such a drag and planet Earth doesn't seem half as much interesting as planet Mars. Don't get me wrong, it has nothing to do with the experience itself. I mean this trip was huge for me, it ment so much, I can't even pyt this into words but let's just say that I've gained a whole lot of self-confidence. I know I can hanlde things, I know I can make my thoughts and dreams a reality! It's so hard to say this without hurting anyone because this is something I really do not want to do. I love my friends, I love my family but these people are awesome as well! They are different and I love them for that. They know what this experience means, they can understand me in a different level. This whole thing was something for me, for my soul and now I know that I must pursue on that track.

What else fits in the period since I last wrote here? World Cup in Otepää. Pure fun! The jokes we had there, how we screamed our voices away and how I could spend time with my dear Ave and Krissu... this is also priceless. The week after that the actual exhaution kicked in. I was so tired that I even managed to oversleep. Official record for breakfast, doing hair, brushing teeth and getting dreassed - 12 minutes! Beat me if you can.

We also had the first Estonian promoday on February 16th which was cute an awkward. If I hadn't talked all the time, there would have been silence. But I met some great people and eventhough most of them were years younger than me, they were really interesting and fun. Later I crached my sister's place and had a really lovely evening with her and Kalli. I just can't help but to keep mentioning how I love that me and Liina get along so well!

Of course, my course on Hamlet fits into this period of time as well and the first 8 lectures with my favourite English porfessor, Prof John McRae. And he managed to make me fall in love with the play that I hated so much in high school. In 11th grade I thought that only Johann Wolfgang Goethe's Faust is more hideous than Shakespeare but I've been proven so wrong. I know this might be hard to believe but Hamlet is a brilliant play and Shakespeare is undoubtfully one of the most talented playwrights, not only of the Elizabethean era but ever. And if anyone wants to see the play on screen, I would recommend L. Olivier's (1948), K. Branagh's (1996) or M. Almereyda's (2000) versions. The first one is a very classic and play-like adaption, Hamlet is very tragic and Ophelia is very fragile and tender. The second is a slightly modern version and I haven't seen the full, 4-hour film, but only the director's cut, but it's a very lively play and all the characters are so much alive and you can really feel for them. And the last one, starring Ethan Hawke, is my favourite among these. The director has brought Hamlet into today's world and to Mannhattan. It's a fabulous adaption and it is amazing how Shakespeare's text still works. And how his ideas are still so very accurate. If you have the chance to see it, I strongly advise!

I just found out that I got the scholaship, which is wonderful news. At least I'm "making" some money of my own and not living so much on my parents but still..

There are terrorist attacts again in Israel. You probably wonder why I would mention something like that in my blog but I guess you have already noticed that I've given up trying to give overviews of my weeks and days and tend to rant about things that worry my stupid heart and soul. But what I want to say with the terrorist attacks in Jerusalem is that how things that seemed so daily few years ago have changed. And the only reason is that I actually know people from Isreal and thinking about how they have to live in this nightmare. Luckily none of them lives near Jerusalem and are pretty safe but still... if your country is constantly in war, how safe can you be. "We are used to this, it has been like this since we were born," says Shani. People should never get used to war and killing. If you think about that than we live in such a blessed place. So what that the king Savisaar is corrupted and our government is a bunch of farts, we live in paradise, we live in such a safe place. Now evertime I hear about restlessness in Isreal I think about my dear friends over there and this is not just statistics, not just an item of news. This is the world, this is the present. Be safe my girls...

I promise to try and keep my blog up more regularly now but for now, this is all.

London. 30 Seconds To Mars.

Prologue: On October 6th, 2007, me and Elerin decided to follow our hearts and buy tickets to our first 30 Seconds To Mars consert in London, after we had met for the first time the night before. We had to go through the nerve wrecking moment when we told our parents about it. And the the waiting...

And the day arrived. The two days before I had been feeling very bad and having a terrible cold, so I was fearing for the worse but when I woke up in the morning I was feeling great. I checked my bag for the essental things (tickets, flight confirmation, passport and money) for at least ten times and took the train to Tallinn and headed to the airport. Right before Elerin came, I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown: I wasn't sure if I could handle this whole trip. What happens if something happens. But as soon as Elerin arrived, I had to leave those thoughts behind and we headed to the plane. Just before check-in I received a text from Jacky who wished us safe trip and sent her greetings to everyone. It was so heart-warming!

The flight was very boring. I was actually a bit tired but the excitement kept me from sleeping. Fortunately the plane wasn't running late and we arrived to Stansted airport round 1 pm at the local time. For some reason they checked our passports when coming off the plane and as usual I had managed to loose mine in the bag but just as I found it again, they stopped doing that.

Standstead is much bigger then Tallinn Airport but it's not that big and scary as I feared. We made it through the passport check and I still couldn't belive that I was in the UK - a place I had always wanted to go! As we entered the terminal I started to look for a place where we could get a bus to Victoria station. I saw the EasyBus office but unfortunately they only had one vacant seat. So we took the National Express instead. I had my first chance to use my English in the country where the language is born! I hope that Elerin doesn't mind me being such a selfish bastard and talking to all those people on my own initiative all the time. I love talking in English and especially with native speakers.

So anyways, we took the 1. 40 pm bus to Victoria station. The drive lasted for about an hour and a half but it went very quickly because majority of it was in London. So me and Elerin became the crazy tourists trying to catch the glimpses of England and London through the bus windows. The weather outside was amazing: the sun was shining and it felt like spring! England is just everyhing I had imagned and seen from the telly: the small villages around the church, mansons... one day, when I'm rich and beautiful, I'll go and drive around that country for a long time. And London is also so magical: the old terraced houses that are renovated and you think about the history how they once belonged to the factory workers and have now become the lovely doll houses!

As soon as we arrived at the Victoria we headed to look for the Underground. There was a great advertisement saying "Lost at Victoria" and I thought this is us! Two ignorant Estonian girls trying to make their way to where they are supposed to go... But, actually the wonderful things that you become to appreciate in an unknown place are the signs. We just followed them and soon found ourselves in front of the ticket machines. I wasn't actually very happy about the absence of human contact when purchasing the Tube ticket - it so complicated itself and then I, the "master of all machines" have to face this monster.. brr! As we were just trying to figure out the prices on the information table, the lovely worker approached asking: "Can I help you?". An angel. I wouldn't have expected people to come and help you without being asked... it not lie you meet these kinds of things here in Estonia.

The machine was actually quite easy and we got our tickets and headed to Platform one to catch the District Lane to Hammersmith. I thought this is it, but when we got to the platform, there were trains coming and going and we had know idea which one we should get. So I asked this man for help and guidance which he generously offered. At first he said we ought take the Distric Lane to Earl's Court and then go on the Piccadilly Line but as we were in the train already, he corrected and said we can get straight to Hammersmith with this one! (this actually what I though at first, too when looking at the Tube map, but using the Underground for the first time in life, I didn't dare to argue).

I love the Tube: it's quick and once you get the trick, it really easy to use! And people there are interesting as well: who reads, who does business, the school boys and girls with their classy school uniforms.

We arrived to the Hammersmith station and the funny thing with the Tube is that you have to put your ticket through the machine also when leaving the Underground. For me it seems weird... Anyway, smart girls as we are, we didn't have any maps, so we had no idea how to make it from the station to the venue. But once again, all you have to do is follow the signs. There were clear indications to Hammersmith Apollo. At one point we noticed some girls in front of us were wearing Mars gear and it seemed to me that I recognized one of them but as I wasn't sure if she knew me, so I didn't talk to her. But instead we thought that they know where they are going, so we followed them.

As soon as we were on the ground again, we saw a lot of people waiting and we knew we had arrived to the right place. The system of the queue was so genial that we had a hard time understanding it, so we just kept following the Spaniards. They headed to the side of the queue to talk to people and right then a small girl came out and I told Elerin "Hey, that's Shani!". She soon noticed us as well and rushed to us. Words cannot describe how good it felt to finally meet her eye-to-eye and give her a hug!

Right after that the Spaniards turned around and I reconized Christie (or was it the other way around) and we met with other Spanish girls as well: Soraya, Tania and Helena. They were wonderful, you can really feel the difference between the temperament of cold-blooded Estonians and hot-blooded southern people! They were so much fun and they talk so fast! Soon we also met Moran and had a nice talk with her! She's again one amazing person! She told us about everything and asked me how my exams had gone (how sweet of her!) and talked about the previous shows.

Soon me and Elerin took out the candies we had taken with us from Estonia and passed them around. I'm glad to read afterwards that everyone enjoyed them. By the way, I really didn't know that mine (Tallinn candy) is actually rum flavoured. And I remember Tania asking after seeing this: "Tell me please, what is it with Estonians and alcohol?". I couldn't give her any better answer than just that we are drunkards.

We were soon off to find a toilet and guided to the nearby mall by Christie and as we passed the front of the venue, we saw Kate and had a nice chat with her. I soon noticed Linda from Finland and I had promised to say hi to her if I see her, so I was making my way to her, when I was stopped and a woman asked for my board name. After hearing it I also recognized her as Sandra and we hoped to meet after the show so we could go to the airport together. So I talked to Linda a bit and it was so nice to meet her.

When I went back to Kate and Elerin, Linda (from Latvia) and Vita came to us, so we could finally meet them as well! Linda gave us the little calendars they had made in Latvia for us to share with the Estonians. We once again exchanged a few words and hoped that the Baltic meeting does take place!

As we were walking around there with our candy we were suddenly stopped by the security guys, "Hey, can we have some, too?" We weren't greedy and kindly advertised Estonian candy to them. Those guys were fabulous, so funny! And once again we were amazed how open people are and how they come and talk to you. After we had come back from the mall, we passed those security guys once again and they called for us, "Hey, you, we want more candy!" Those crazy guys...

Me and Elerin decided to have a quick lunch comprising of black bread and chocolate, so we headed a little bit away from the crowd (and the security guys) and came back in time to do some street-teaming. We were in the same group with Shani and Spaniards and after getting the stickers, we headed to the mall under the leadership of Shani. We actually didn't distribute many stickers, so we came back a went to a queue which seemed miles long.

Finally the doors were opened and after a considerable amount of time we were inside the venue. Me and Elerin decided to hand in our bags and coats to the cloakroom. There they placed our stuff in black garbage bags (clean ones though!) and gave us a number on the paper (what are the odds for me to loose it... pretty big I must say). And then we were finally in!

We headed upstairs to go to the toilet (we wouldn't have wanted to stand cross-legged during the show). As we were standing, Elerin pointed to a girl in front of us. She had the text "I (heart) JL" written on her cheek. Aww... (with ironic tone). She couldn't have been older than 14. Thank goodness me and Elerin are Estonians, we had quite a nice laugh talking about her in Estonian! If the poor girl would have heard!

After that we made it inside the hall and looked for a good place. At first we were on the left side (when facing the stage). There were some idiots behind us who started pushing around in between the two support acts. Thank God, there was a woman behind us, who was pretty pissed off at them and shouted: "If you fucking push me one more time, I fucking kick you!" or something like that. And the boy (not older than 13 years) kept telling her: "It's a gig, that's what you do!". What an idiot! I probably told him to f*** off and made it clear with my facial impressions that I don't think very highly of him.

Soon we made it to more in the middle and then came LostAlone. I liked them. Christie had sang Blood is Sharp outside the venue and it was so stuck in my head, so when they finally sang it, I was like: Wohoo!! screaming along and having fun! I recognised a few more songs by LostAlone that I had heard but I couldn't put a name to them. Oh, Our Bodies Will Never Be Found was also played, I think. I like that song. Anyway the guys had a great enery on the stage and thoughroully enjoyed their time there. They did a wonderful job warming up the audience for the star of the evening!

The white sheet was put down and the anxciety began. I really can't remember whether this happened before, during or after LostAlone but at some point I felt that I was overthrown with water. Second later I realised it wasn't water, it was beer. My hair, bandana and shirt were wet with beer and I smelt like a friggin drunkard. I felt as if I would have had to explain to people next to me: "Hey, that's not my perfume nor did I have a few too much in the bar!".

We exchanced a few words with the girls standing next to us and tried to maintain our places within this crowd. The security guys were pulling out people who couldn't take this heat and lack of air and also passing round water. I've never been to a rock-concert like this, so this was something new and very positive for me to see. The time actually went pretty quickly, although I could already feel my back (I'm cursed with a weak back and being on my feet and especially standing in once place usually means a lot of pain in the area). But I was ready to forget about it.

So finally the peak of the evening, the moment I had been waiting for arrived: O Fortuna started. My brain could still not accept the fact that I was there, seeing and hearing it live! This was also the moment when all hell broke loose - for the first time in my life I experienced what a mosh pit is. And I have no desire to go through that again in the nearest future. As soon as the curtain came down and Shannon started to drum away the awesome new intro for Battle of One, I lost all control over where I was moving. I was pushed from every direction and I kept falling into people, trying to appologize to them all (obviously hard to do with the loud music and constant moving around). I tried to grab Elerin and make our way out but I did not succeed. I lost Elerin and I was moved to the left side. So I pretty much missed the first song and I love Battle of One, it such a wonderful song!

The next one was Saviour, again one song that I really adore and it was one of the 4 songs I definately wanted to hear. I moved away to more side during this song and finally ended up in the middle of some great people who were just enjoying the concert. So I could already enjoy this powerful song: Don't save me, don't save me, coz I don't care... I had totally lost Elerin and kept looking for her in the crowd but I failed to find her, so I was all alone during the concert.

Now, I might be wrong with the order of songs in the set list but I think that the next one was From Yesterday. A more calmer song and it sounded great. This was when I finally started to realise I'm actually at the live consert of 30 Seconds To Mars: 6 months ago I thought this would only happen in my dream! Then came The Story and after that Jared announced "an old song for the old schooler's in here" and my heart was full of joy and excitement! I know I'm no old schooler, but god do I love the older songs! And it was the second song from my 4 "I-wanna-hear-those" songs: Buddha For Fucking Mary!!! Full band!!! I love this song, love it, love it, LOVE IT! Of course Jared did his crowd surfing thing during it (and notoriously hit some moron in the crowd, my respect to Jared). I was actually more carried away with what Tomo was doing during the show. This guys is so much worth to watch. He jumps, sings along, interacts with the crowd and at the same time manages to play his guitar!! Yeah, I admit, I'm a little fangirl over him! He's just sooo great!

After A Beautiful Lie the singer asked if somebody had seen the video of it and there was a huge roar in the crowd. Obviously quite a few people had seen it! And the came The Kill - the song I first heard from this band that has now made me act crazy. I remember rocking out to it after I had finished my finals last spring in the kitchen while cooking dinner for the family and now I'm seeing it live. I wish everyone have this feeling that I had then. I cannot describe it. The Kill isn't actually my favourite song by them but it is a really powerful song (Finally found a change, I know now this is who I really am!) but the band had really taken care that we (the crowd) are suprised: the Royal ballerinas swayed across the stage like beautiful swans and the gospel choir... WOW! This was amazing!

The first lines of R-Evolve made me realise what I have done (The revolution has began today from the inside...): I have followed my heart, followed my dreams and I'm one lucky girl!! It still brings tears to my eyes and I can't describe it: would you have imagned the same girl who was standing in front of her school and humbly receiving the high school diploma from the head master to be rocking at a concert in London? I honestly didn't. And if it weren't for dear Elerin, I'd still be dreaming about the concert! Anyway, back to the topic... I was singing along this beautiful song when I suddenly noticed that Jared was singing something completely different. And then he sing this line he skipped at some other time. I was really confused: was it me or was it him?

"And now, this is a song about freedom!" said Mr Leto. The third song from "my list", the first song of the second album: Attack. Whenever I'm in a really shitty mood, I can put on ABL and this is the first song from there saying: I won't suffer, be broken, get tired or wasted, surrender to nothing or give up what I started... This really does boost you up with energy, doesn't it? I screamed at the top of my lungs during this song!!

After that song the guys left the stage. I was thinking "NO! this can't be it. No way. They didn't even do The Fantasy. Please come back! Guys?" The crowd was chanting them back when suddenly the spotlights pointed to the right side of the balcony (I had such a comfortable view to there) and there was Jared with his acoustic guitar. The insight of Eeva's thought at that moment: "Oh my f***ing God!" I couldn't believe my eyes. Acoustic song(s). Jared made a speech how proud they are and thanked everyone for coming. Then he asked whether we wanted a new or an old song. I think that even if there were people who screamed "New!" they were outnumbered by those requesting for an oldie. And there came the best version of Capricorn I've heard. His voice was beautiful. I hardly dared to sing along and I kept telling myself to keep my eyes opened because I was so lost in the music. It was beautiful, beautiful... beautiful.

Then came A Modern Myth, if I'd die now, I want this song to be played in my funeral. Yeah, really! So during this song I was looking up to the balcony and then I thought, I'd check the stage as well (Moran did mention Tomo and violin in the same sentence before the show). And there he was, with a violin in his hands. That moment I knew that this is a perfect concert. Tomo on a violin during A Modern Myth. Their first attempt actually failed. Tomo did his part and the crowd screamed in admiration and Tomo waited for Jared to continue but instead the frontman asked him to play his part once again. What came out of the violin then was... not a pleasant sound. The crowed laughed. Tomo seemed to have technical problems with the violin and while they fixed that Jared said he'd play another song. Echelon. Antother beautiful song and while the amazing voice and the wonderful sound of the guitar floated through my body, I felt like I was alone in the crowd. It was just me and music, the 4,000 (more or less) people just disappeared for me. This was fabulous, the song is so beautiful. And when Jared stoped at: What's with the fascination with... and the crowd answered: ...the Echelon I knew that I was where I belong. I'm screwed, I'm obsessed with a rock band and I'm loving it!

Then the second attempt of A Modern Myth and things went great. I told you before, I'm a fangirl over Tomo and especially Tomo on the violin. Beautiful. (I know I keep abusing this word but I really don't have words to describe my feelings). It was just perfect!!!

After the end of the acoustic set, the drummers of Stomp had conquered the stage and Shannon was drumming away with them! I adored it! Drums, rhythm... hell yeah! This was bloody fantastic! And it was so obvious to see that Shannon was so much enjoying himself, he was totally, 120% in to it! You could feel the energy coming out of there, the vibe penetrating your body... WOW! I loved it!!

Then Shannon went back to his kit and they started to drum again and Jared, Tomo and Tim returned to the stage. I actually didn't see Tim practically at all during the show. Only once when he and Tomo switched places. So this interesting drumming intro became the song The Mission and I'm really sorry for the people who were standing near to me during the show. I was screaming along. The one girl in front of me gave me a really mysterious smile during the song. I have no idea what she ment with it but I interpreted as: "Your first concert? Have a blast!". Mission hasn' been my favourite song (I like it very much, but you know...) but this version of it.... WOW! I fell in love with that song once again! What a power!

And then it was, the famous part of the concert: J: Do you live! Crowd: Do you live! J: Do you die! Crowd: Do you die! J: Do you bleed! Crowd: Do you bleed!... ect. The Fantasy. And Jared wanted us all to go f***ing crazy! Oh that song!! You have to love it. The finger thing in the middle and testing the crowd: "Ohohoooooo". We were great, we could pull all everything off that J-rod gave us! I wish that song could have lasted for ever!!

And then they were off... Lights on! It was over... my back was killing me, my feet hurt as hell and I had to find Elerin. I just stood where I was and looked around when Elerin suddenly grabbed my hand. High from the emotions as we were, we slowly headed out hoping to see some of our friends on the way. We saw Moran who had had the great chance to be in the front row and she shared her comment. The only words that I could say were: "It was perfect. A Perfect first show to see". And it was. I was so tired that I just sat down on the floor while we talked. We soon went to grab out coats. I even had managed to keep my number, it was a little torn but it was there! Number 92! We saw Kate once again and went out where there was Shani and Spaniards. We soon hugged our bittersweet good byes and Christe promised to come and visit us in Estonia. Let's hope she comes here.

We headed to the underground still screaming from happiness but it was closed already so we had to take a bus. Once again I used a chance to talk to people and tried to figure out which bus we should take. So I asked one elderly gentlemen. He kindly helped us and asked where we are from, and when he heard we are from Estonia, he was like: "You have Tallinn, don't you? See, I know something." He was so nice.

Anyway, we headed out to wait for our bus and just generally we were floating on air. So there we were discussing the details when two boys came out of the station and asked us what the time was. Before I could answer, thay asked if we were single. I started to laugh so hard, Elerin managed to answer "No!". The thing is those "guys" (with a bling-bling in their ears) could not have been older than 13! Like what?!

The bus came, a double-decker, of course we sat in the up and front, so we could play the bus driver. Not sure if we actually did it, I wouldn't be suprised if I did, it sounds something just like me. My worry was that in London (and to my big suprise, in Tallinn as well) you have to request for a stop. Except we had know idea when our stop was coming. Fortunately we did make it out at the right stop and we again at Victoria Station.

My first concern was to find a drink. I hadn't had anything since the concert and I was dying of thirst. And then we had to find out when and where we could take a bus to Stansted. After walking from the rail station and asking for guidance we went outside and found a bus stop saying Stansted Airport. I was just about to see when there are buses going when a girl sitting in the bus stop asked us wheter we were taking the EasyBus. I said that we didn't know, we were just looking for something to go to Stansted. And she told us that EasyBus was going at 3 am. It was about 1 am, so we had 2 hours to spend. We had a general small talk with the girl (she's from South London and was going to Paris) and then we headed out with Elerin to discover the night in London.

I love London. Even though I only saw a tiny bit of it, I'm in love. Those houses, they are so beautiful. Little doll houses. You can almost breathe in the history and imagne that you can bump into an gentleman with a walking cane and a top hat. He would say: "Pardon me, milady!". And the horse carriage would ride pass you taking ladies in beautiful dresses home from a ball. We photographed many silly things, just because it was London.

The strangest thing were the foxes. We saw two foxes (or one fox twice, does it matter?) and it was quite scary at first. My first thought and Elerin dared to say it out, was "Rabis?!" but they didn't follow us, just continued their normal round. Later I found out that this is supposed to be totally normal.

As our legs and my back was really painful, we returned to the bus stop round 2.30 am and sat down to wait for the bus. Soon I saw Sandra and the ohter German girl go by and they said they are taking EasyBus as well. So the bus arrived and there were exactly 4 vacant seats, so we matched up our money and bought the tickets. The man checking the bookings was looking at one man's paper and then looked up: "This says you are going to Stansted. This one goes to Luton!" Me and the man was also: WTF? and then the man laughed: "Haha, got you there, I was only kidding!" Yeah, nice humour at 3 am in the morning.

I had a little nap on our way to the airport, maximum 15 minutes and when we arrived there we had about half an hour till our check-in was opened. So we just sat on the benches and slept and ate some chocolate. 4.50 am the check in opened and we went there. The funny thing was that they didn't mark the gate on our ticket, so I went to ask about it but obviously it was totally normal and we had to check it later on the screen.

We made it through the security chech and headed to the restrooms. After we had had the chance to change the shirts and refreshen ourselves, I felt like a human being once again and wasn't even that tired. We bought some candy back home and then saw a place we definately wanted to go: Starbucks. I mainly wanted to go there because it's the place taht everyone talks about but doesn't excist here in Estonia. The hot chocolate was rather good there!

So it was soon time to take the train to our gate and while we were waiting to get on the plane, a girl walks up to me and says: "Hey Eeva!" It was my classmate from my first year in secondary school. She left after one year and now was in England. I hadn't seen her for years and now I meet her in Stansted Airport? What are the chances? But it was so wonderful to see her and we chatted throughout the whole flight, so it went pretty quickly. Hopefully we didn't disturb Elerin too much who was occasionally sleeping.

We arrived landed in Tallinn round midday and our little big adventure had come to an happy end. The weather was miserable but it didn't matter. Me and Elerin said good byes and headed to our homes. I had to wait for a bus and walked around the gray streets with a huge smile and satisfaction!

Epilogue: I had waited for the trip for 4 months and now seen what this is all about and I know that my soul will be restless until I get a chance to experience this over again and again and again...

Can't you see that it's just raining... there's no need to go outside... Because baby, you hardly even notice, when I try to tell you, this song is meant to keep you from doing what you're supposed to.. like waking up to early, maybe we could sleep in, I'll make you banana pancakes, pretend like it's the weekend now... (J.Johnson- Banana Pancakes)

Fortunately we don't have to pretend, because it is weekend. I just woke up Saturday morning, or should I say lunch, and I know this sounds like a treason but I loved the weather. The rain was beating at my window and it was really windy and I knew I don't have to go anywhere or do anything. I could just sit comfortably at home and watch the miserable weather, have a cup of hot chocolate and read newspapers. I really felt like doing nothing on Saturday and I don't feel any guilt for that. I was just sleeping through the whole day and it feels great!

I just found out that Good Charlotte is coming to Estonia and even though I'm not a fan of their music, it's still quite good and I've rocked around my home singing some of them alond (The River, The Anthem are a few examples). And it's not that often that artists like this come to Estonia and if there's a chance so close by, I just have to use it. And as soon as the tickets come on sale I'll grab two of them for me and my sister who is longing for a rock-out :) Wohoo.. And my friend from the Netherlands who has seen them live for 6 (sic!) times says they are really good on stage, so I'm hoping for the best!

I know that people who read this blog of mine hardly think of me as an emo and it's just a joke among us but I really got interestd in that subject: what is emo music and who are emos? This part here is not so interesting, so you may skip it :P So I opened up my friend Wikipedia and it says (http://http//en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emo_(music): Emo is a style of rock music which describes several independent variations of music with common stylistic roots. Such use of the term has been the subject of much debate. In the mid-1980s, the term emo described a subgenre of hardcore punk which originated in the Washington, DC music scene. Starting in the mid-1990s, the term emo began to refer to the indie scene. As the remaining indie emo bands entered the mainstream, newer bands began to emulate the mainstream style. As a result, the term "emo" became a vaguely defined identifier rather than a specific genre of music.

Antother site (http://www.fourfa.com/index.html) suggests the term screamo to indetify the bands genereally labeled as emo nowadays because. And when looking at the names of the bands listed in both sources as the original emocore... I haven't heard anything about them..

But what I actually want to say is that you can label music and people anyway you want to but I prefer not to do that. So call me whatever you want and the music that i listen to what ever you like, it's just a matter of terminology :D

So, I now thought I'd share some discoveries with you. So the "Eevika's recommendations corner" is opened again!

• Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk. I've just started to read the book but I quite like it already. It's about an ex-supermodel who looses half her face in a "car accident" and is unable to speak. She goes on a trip to find her future. The book is very usual Palahniuk's book, using certain same schemes as Fight Club. In the latter the narrator uses the frase "I'm Joe's smirking revenge" to describe his feelings, in Invisible Monsters the remarks of the narrator are used as the words of fashion photographer: "Give me patience. Flash. Give me a break. Flash". I really recommend the book, although it has a plot that might be hard to follow as the events are not given chronologically.


• The prelude of AFI's song Miss Murder. It was the night when I was seaching for music to listen to and Elerin recommended me this song. The song itself isn't worth much in my opinion. And please mind the band and their looks, but think about the words and even if you are not a listener of lyrics, just hear the rhythm, the bells and the choir and how it all goes together so well. You can listen to only the prelude here:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1-AYhozNbao&feature=related


• LostAlone. The band who is going to be the support act for 30 Seconds To Mars in the UK tour and in London. I actually quite like their music, at least the 4 songs they have on their MySpace (http://www.myspace.com/lostalonemusic), I especially like Standing on the Ruin, it's quite a long song but I like the melody and all. Warning!! This is rock, I mean a real rock music!!


• Herring with sour cream and cotton cheese. My main dish here in Tartu, put some salt on it as well, delicious! And take into consideration that I hated cotton cheese before I came here, now I can't live without it. Especially for students, quick and good :P

I have a new hair cut. Again. I quite like it, it's nice and messy and I pretty much can throw away the comb :) And I'm going to dance lesson again on Monday. Like Dana said, dancing is for our souls, it's a passion. And then to Tallinn on Tuesday to meet with Elerin and hang out with my sister!

16 days till London.