Don't hit me, but sometimes I start to think about the existential questions. Not the "where have we been, where do we go, what's the meaning of life?" (Poppy and Happy-Go-Lucky reference) type of questions but more like... what's the purpose of it all?
As you can see, I'm not in the brightest of my moods lately, this is why I start thinking about silly things. Now I've come to the "tragic" fact that as much as I love what I'm doing, I'm not good at it.
I love studying English in the university. I work hard, you know, the geek who I am. But then again I see people coming to the lectures pretty much straight from the pub, and still giving better answers than me! You can only imagine how frustrating it feels. I feel like dropping everything I do, and just pout under the blanket. What's the point of my hard work if it goes unnoticed. Arrggghh! This makes me feel as if I don't try hard enough, and although my health (yes, even my physical health) has been put to a test quite a few times during this semester, I'm still achieving close to nothing. What else could I do? I understand how much more there is to know and it scares me to think that what if I never get to know those things. I don't even know where to start. I've always been the ambitious type but now I see I'm barely average, and it slowly kills me inside. And I can't actually tell this to anyone. They take on look at my GPA, and tell me I'm delusional. Am I? I don't think so. Just because my brain works in a way that exam form of questions and answers suits me doesn't mean that I'm actually good at it.
I know I'm driving myself mad, but I can help it! I've decided not to apply to Canada for an exchange student because I don't feel like it. What's the point anyway, I most probably won't be picked anyway...
Breathe in, breathe out. I'm okay. Really, I am. And always will be. Don't worry.
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