Sounds of silence.

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence

"Fools", said I, "You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you
"But my words, like silent raindrops fell
And echoed
In the wells of silence

Paul Simon. Sounds of Silence. 1964

I saw Fight Club. Again.

If you could be either God's worst enemy or nothing, which would you choose? We're the middle children of history, we have no special purpose or place, and unless we get God's attention, we have no hope of damnation or redemption. Which is worse, hell or nothing? Burn the museums, wipe your ass with the Mona Lisa. This way, at least God will know your name.

Chuck Palahniuk. Fight Club. 1996.

Could this Tyler Durden's monologue be the next Hamlet's soliloquy: (I should probably be thrown to death with stones or burnt alive for this sacrilege, but it made me think...)

In the world I see - you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Tower. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying strips of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned superhighway.

Chuck Palahniuk. Fight Club. 1996

I do care...

"No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the Continent, a part of the maine; . . . any mans death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankinde."

John Donne, 1623.

Source of all evil?

Such was that happy garden-state
While man there walked without a mate:
After a place so pure, and sweet,
What other help could yet be meet!
But 'twas beyond a mortal's share
To wander solitary there:
Two paradises 'twere in one
To live in paradise alone.

A stanza from Andrew Marvell's The Garden

A letter to a friend.

However hard I try, I am a typical Estonian, so don't expect me to show my feelings openly. But never forget that I do actually care and thank the higher powers for you being here with me daily.
I might be the goofy one always cracking the jokes and going along with silly coversations that in the end lead nowhere. I can be the quiet and serious one. Lately I have felt that I need more me time but that doesn't mean I don't need you. I might have been more serious lately but try and understand me, I have stuff to figure out inside my head and heart. As much as I'd like, I cannot always be the smiling and cheering girl and more and more I wish to discuss serious stuff but sometimes I feel it's hard to break the habit of goofing. So if I'm not in the mood, let me be and know that in my heart I still care so much about.
No matter where you are, I cannot say the words "I miss you" with a full heart. Not because I don't miss you but because as long as I know you're doing fine and having fun, I'm happy and have no selfish reason to be missing you. So I don't miss you but I'm glad for the moments that we can spend together.
I am blessed to have so many friends and sometimes I feel like I don't deserve you because I sometimes take you for granted and take more than I give. But it's not like that deep down inside, I just have a hard time admitting my feelings. You are special to me!
So appologies for me being bitter and cold but there'll be sunshiny days once again.
Yours truely,
Eevika

P.s. - This is not addressed to anyone particular but to every single one of you who consider me as a friend.

Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold..

When did the world stop caring?
I'm asking this question because I had stopped caring but in the light of the event taken place in the past few weeks... I suddenly realise how cold I have become and how busy we all are not caring
When the conflict in Georgia burst into flames, I realised how fragile is our comfortable everyday life. And it is then that my dear friend told that people were being killed all over the world every single day, why this one is that much more special. True... but what scared me was the well-know phrase: he who does not learn from history is doomed to repeat it.
I had a rough day on Tuesday, emotionally. It started with my great-uncle's funerals. When my time comes, hopefully not that soon, I'd rather rise from the dead than have a funeral like this... The whole speech was such a cliche and let's be honest, quite a bullshit. Starting with calling my late uncle Nikolai all the time... He was always uncle Konts! Nikolai my ass... everyone knew him has Konts. I even thought till Saturday that his real name was Konstantin. And not to mention the open coffin - the most horrible custom ever! He looked nothing like himself, I'd rather believe that it was someone else..
I want people to laugh at my funeral and be happy about my life, tell funny stories and embarrassing moments of my life.
Coming back to the question at the beginning of the post, why do we need to have those big events to remind us that it's pretty good to be Estonian? But then again, who am I to speak. A few years ago I kept dreaming of getting out of this country. But although I'm not going around in tricolours or screaming it out loud, I do like being Estonian and even though the politicians suck, this is a pretty awesome place to live. And I am proud to be Estonian with all our history and share my nationality with such great people as Kanter, Kross, Pärt.. and I could go on for ever.
I was watching the evening news the other day and there was an item about a plane crash in Spain. How many of you noticed it? How many of you felt the dread when the death of at least a hundred people was announced? This reminds me of Jack Johnson's lyrics:
A billion people died on the news tonight
But not so many cried at the terrible sight
[...]
Why don't the newscasters cry when they read about people who die?
At least they could be decent enough to put just a tear in their eyes
And I know that you can take everything that happens into your heart and shed a tear for it, but we should at least think that for every person who dies, there is a bunch left behind who are crying over the loss of their mother, daughter, son.. etc. I personally don't wish to be such a cold stone anymore who doesn't blink her eye for anything. I know this is much harder but in the end, much more rewarding.

I've no idea what I wish to achieve with this post but I just wanted to share my feelings. And I hope to feel more in the future.

These are the days it never rains but it pours

I've never been the kind of person, who lays her head down on the pillow and falls soundly asleep. No, I usually have to wait and wait for Mr Sandman to come and during that time, I start to think about things.
So last night I got an idea and that's usually a bad sign. It's actually a very innocent and raw thought that I developed and I have no idea whatsoever, what to do with it.


The world has gone crazy and I have no idea how to fight against it. So, last night I thought what if after I've received my degree as a teacher, I work a little over here and then find a way how to volunteer to Africa.

I know, this sounds insane for many justified reasons beginning with me being only (almost) second year student and I have 4 (!!) years till I get the degree. Who knows, I might even change my mind and end up studying something else. Or.. at the moment, it is hard to believe, but maybe I have a family by then and don't wish to go anywhere. Everything is possible, look at my dear friend A., mother of a baby girl!!


But why I'm writing it down? For remembrance. I've always talked about doing volunteer work, but I've also always thought it wasn't really for me. Till now. I think I could really do this. I have no idea how, where or what, but I want to do this and I don't want to do it NOW but when I can actually offer something to the people in need.

I know people to that know me, especially my family, will consider this as a stupid idea and I agree to some extent, but what if someday somehow I managed to do it? What if this is really something to me?