A letter to a friend.

However hard I try, I am a typical Estonian, so don't expect me to show my feelings openly. But never forget that I do actually care and thank the higher powers for you being here with me daily.
I might be the goofy one always cracking the jokes and going along with silly coversations that in the end lead nowhere. I can be the quiet and serious one. Lately I have felt that I need more me time but that doesn't mean I don't need you. I might have been more serious lately but try and understand me, I have stuff to figure out inside my head and heart. As much as I'd like, I cannot always be the smiling and cheering girl and more and more I wish to discuss serious stuff but sometimes I feel it's hard to break the habit of goofing. So if I'm not in the mood, let me be and know that in my heart I still care so much about.
No matter where you are, I cannot say the words "I miss you" with a full heart. Not because I don't miss you but because as long as I know you're doing fine and having fun, I'm happy and have no selfish reason to be missing you. So I don't miss you but I'm glad for the moments that we can spend together.
I am blessed to have so many friends and sometimes I feel like I don't deserve you because I sometimes take you for granted and take more than I give. But it's not like that deep down inside, I just have a hard time admitting my feelings. You are special to me!
So appologies for me being bitter and cold but there'll be sunshiny days once again.
Yours truely,
Eevika

P.s. - This is not addressed to anyone particular but to every single one of you who consider me as a friend.

Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold..

When did the world stop caring?
I'm asking this question because I had stopped caring but in the light of the event taken place in the past few weeks... I suddenly realise how cold I have become and how busy we all are not caring
When the conflict in Georgia burst into flames, I realised how fragile is our comfortable everyday life. And it is then that my dear friend told that people were being killed all over the world every single day, why this one is that much more special. True... but what scared me was the well-know phrase: he who does not learn from history is doomed to repeat it.
I had a rough day on Tuesday, emotionally. It started with my great-uncle's funerals. When my time comes, hopefully not that soon, I'd rather rise from the dead than have a funeral like this... The whole speech was such a cliche and let's be honest, quite a bullshit. Starting with calling my late uncle Nikolai all the time... He was always uncle Konts! Nikolai my ass... everyone knew him has Konts. I even thought till Saturday that his real name was Konstantin. And not to mention the open coffin - the most horrible custom ever! He looked nothing like himself, I'd rather believe that it was someone else..
I want people to laugh at my funeral and be happy about my life, tell funny stories and embarrassing moments of my life.
Coming back to the question at the beginning of the post, why do we need to have those big events to remind us that it's pretty good to be Estonian? But then again, who am I to speak. A few years ago I kept dreaming of getting out of this country. But although I'm not going around in tricolours or screaming it out loud, I do like being Estonian and even though the politicians suck, this is a pretty awesome place to live. And I am proud to be Estonian with all our history and share my nationality with such great people as Kanter, Kross, Pärt.. and I could go on for ever.
I was watching the evening news the other day and there was an item about a plane crash in Spain. How many of you noticed it? How many of you felt the dread when the death of at least a hundred people was announced? This reminds me of Jack Johnson's lyrics:
A billion people died on the news tonight
But not so many cried at the terrible sight
[...]
Why don't the newscasters cry when they read about people who die?
At least they could be decent enough to put just a tear in their eyes
And I know that you can take everything that happens into your heart and shed a tear for it, but we should at least think that for every person who dies, there is a bunch left behind who are crying over the loss of their mother, daughter, son.. etc. I personally don't wish to be such a cold stone anymore who doesn't blink her eye for anything. I know this is much harder but in the end, much more rewarding.

I've no idea what I wish to achieve with this post but I just wanted to share my feelings. And I hope to feel more in the future.

These are the days it never rains but it pours

I've never been the kind of person, who lays her head down on the pillow and falls soundly asleep. No, I usually have to wait and wait for Mr Sandman to come and during that time, I start to think about things.
So last night I got an idea and that's usually a bad sign. It's actually a very innocent and raw thought that I developed and I have no idea whatsoever, what to do with it.


The world has gone crazy and I have no idea how to fight against it. So, last night I thought what if after I've received my degree as a teacher, I work a little over here and then find a way how to volunteer to Africa.

I know, this sounds insane for many justified reasons beginning with me being only (almost) second year student and I have 4 (!!) years till I get the degree. Who knows, I might even change my mind and end up studying something else. Or.. at the moment, it is hard to believe, but maybe I have a family by then and don't wish to go anywhere. Everything is possible, look at my dear friend A., mother of a baby girl!!


But why I'm writing it down? For remembrance. I've always talked about doing volunteer work, but I've also always thought it wasn't really for me. Till now. I think I could really do this. I have no idea how, where or what, but I want to do this and I don't want to do it NOW but when I can actually offer something to the people in need.

I know people to that know me, especially my family, will consider this as a stupid idea and I agree to some extent, but what if someday somehow I managed to do it? What if this is really something to me?

Silence before the storm?

It is a well-known and rather obvious fact that I haven't been an active blogger lately. It must be due to my inability to turn my emotions, thoughts and experiences into words, sentences and paragraphs that would make later sense to myself and to whoever happens to stop in this place. So therefore it has been a quiet place with tumbleweed rolling between the posts.

What has happened in between? A lot and not much. I've travelled around Estonia, visiting people, spent time at home, had my share of laughs and moments of distress... The usual stuff. I've also participated in wonderful events and intriguing discussions, read a bit (but clearly not enough) and made a lot of promises for the starting new year in university. I'd write them down here but I don't wish to look at them in a few months time only to admit that I've managed to avoid each and every one of those. No hidden catch, no strings attached, just free love, in the words of DM.

But what does lie in the very near future is my "pilgrimage" to Israel and I can't wait for it. This is going to be adventurous for sure. I'm not even scared at the moment because I don't know what to fear. Surely, I won't be intimidated by the fact that it is not the most stable place in the world, but have you notice? The whole fucking world has gone mad!!

This brings me to my point of concern - Russia and Georgia... There's a fucking war going on and I'm scared as hell! If President Medvedjev's reasoning for the bombing is the message of peace then we are all screwed!! I know, Georgia is not totally innocent herself, the truth lies somewhere in between but if Russia is so ready to attack a sovereign country as Georgia... who will be next? Bringing in troops to Eastern Estonia to "protect" Russian citizens here, because God knows we are all nazis and facists over here? I'm scared... I'm only 19 and I want to live my life in a happy bubble without witnessing a war! But right now, I'm not sure if this will be my future vision. Watching the desperate people on TV in front of destroyed and burning houses, holding their loved ones who had not been lucky bring tears in my eyes!! How can you kill innocent people who are just like me or you??

My heart and my thoughts are with the Georgian nation... Every hour I pray for peace to come because war is not a solution to any problem! I hope whoever happens to read this joins me in my prayers and understands how fragile is peace and quiet...

Perfection.

Usually the simplest things bring you the greatest joy. Today I had a moment of perfection. I'm not good with words, but I will try an "paint" you the picture.

Imagine an averagely bad Estonian summer day. It's round 18 or 19 degrees and it has just stopped raining. The sun is peeking behind the clouds but the sky is full of dark clouds. You decide to go for a swim, regardless the cool weather.

You get on your bike, packed with towel and a sweater for coming back and race to the lake. Somewhere in the back of your mind there's a thought: I don't have to do this to myself, it's cold! But you are already by the lake.

You undress quickly because the more you think, the less you are willing to take off your clothes. And to the water you go. Surprisingly it is not cold at all because the water and air temperature is the same. You wade trough the clear water, fish swimming around your feel and quickly make sure that you navel is wet because it's the place in your body that fears the most of the water. You breathe in and dive underwater.

You feel freshness from the first second and when you stick your head on the surface again, you start swimming. You go slowly through the clean water, there's no one else around you here, only the two guys about 20 metres away. You feel how the water is clearing your mind from all the negative things and you only enjoy this moment in the water.

You turn around to swim back and you notice a rainbow in the sky. It is only partial but it shines so bright in the background of dark threatening clouds. You absorb this moment and as you swim in the calm lake, you see the reflection of the sky on the surface of the lake. Two rainbows, one in the sky and one in the lake. And the water feels so good around you. You could swim forever in that perfect moment. It's just you and the lake with the green surroundings that edge the blue clouds upon which shines the magnificent rainbow.

The whole day of gruesome and negative thoughts are behind you and this one moment for yourself was all worth it.

I know I'm a romanticist but that was my moment. My summer.

Echoes and Silence, Patience and Grace

I guess that I can say now that my fears have been more or less unnecessary because the magic 7 is once again in action. More or less. It seems that we have enough to laugh over and although we have all changed, it does not bother us to enjoy each other's company. Thanks to that I have some sort of peace of mind. The girls have a lot to tell us about their experience, they'll keep on talking about it for the rest of their lives, I'm sure. I just hope that my simple life (no pun intended!) does not bore them and they are still willing to hear from me every now and then.

I must admit, I envy Liina and Jo. In a good way of course. The experience they had is indescribable and the whole adventure is just fabulous. Instead of waiting in the safe comfort of home for the time when I'm going to do all those big things, they went out and did it. And that's just perfect. I'm glad to have friends who are like that. I guess I keep waiting and waiting and maybe if I'm good enough, my time will come.

I've been in a relatively good mood ever since last Thursday evening when I was helping out at a bike race once again. I guess I've learnt to take things more easily and try not to worry about small things. I even haven't let the weather get me down nor anything else. I just sometimes feel a bit imprisoned here in this town... you know, depressive Estonian small-town. I know I have the chance to escape to Tartu whenever I feel like it but then again, as I have no official business there (as I am unemployed so to say), I feel the obligation to be here at my parents' place. So far I haven't had any major clashes with them, so let's hope for the best. And I have invited people over, my dear Viljandi-girls know that they are always welcomed here, but I understand why they don't have the will to come, the drive and everything!

And just a small note to some people who want to help others. On the right hand corner, there is a small banner and this takes you to the HopeBuilders home site. This is a part of Habitat For Humanity that is an oranisation helping those in need, people who have nowhere to live and builds them a house. As we do not have this programme in Estonia and we cannot actually put our hands to the building process itself, but there is a chance to make a donation. Just click the link, then on the right hand side there is "Find friend's place", click that and choose the letter E and you will see ECHELON on the list (the chief of this group is Lily) and if any of you wishes to join us, there you can make a donation. No pressure and no hard feelings. I just wanted to spread the information...

We were merely freshmen...

We tried to wash our hands of all of this; We never talked of the lacking relationships; And now we're guilt-stricken, sobbing with our heads on the floor; We fell through the ice when we tried not to slip... (http://youtube.com/watch?v=sVNAp1C8LIw)

My first year in the university is over. It's even a bit sad how quickly this has past, because I believe that the university days are the best ones in your life. Never again will there be days, when you can only live for yourself, the frontiers are made only by you. And I think I'm enjoying it quite fully.

What will I remember from this first year?
1) My new and absolutely awesome friends. I've met with so many wonderful and interesting people, who all have their own way of thinking and it's incredible how we all manage to complement each other and have so much fun together. You are really wonderful!
2) Some what clarity concerning my future plans. I mean, the only certain thing is that there's no certain things. But still, this first year opened my eyes a bit and made me set some of my goals, that I might or might not wish to achieve.
3) Some adventures and fun times spent together with friends. All those Wednesday-night parties, cooking eve's with Kätlin, playing pool with guys, vodka-coctail nights in our room...
4) Return to belly dance. Who would have ever guess that I actually plug my courage and step in a studio and start over again. Moreover, I even maneged to dance at the concert! This was quite an achievement for me.

Hopefully the next years will be as memorable as this one.
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L. and J. are back. The reunion was emotional. I'm still a bit intimidated about the future relationship...