I don’t know what I want, but I want it now!

Also: I know what I want, but I don’t want it now!

I guess I am in the age when you cannot sit still and are always waiting for something to happen. Most often I feel like I can tolerate (for the absence of better word, my life is actually quite lovely, so there’s not much to actually ‘tolerate’) everything that is going on at the moment only if there is something better coming very, very soon. So I keep dreaming that cool times are just around the corner, if I could only finish this one thing (what ever that would be, right now it’s probably my BA thesis), then I would be there already. Sometimes I feel like I need some big change in my life but I cannot figure out what it is that I should change!

Although, at the moment the problem is that I know what I want but now is really not the right time for it! And I’m not talking about big girly dreams of a good husband and children, although those things would go under this category as well. It seems like fate likes to play tricks on us. It is just as Jacque liked to say: “All of this has been written up above” (D. Diderot Jacque the Fatalist and His Master).

For example, I would  love to go to a certain concert, especially as they are touring with a brand new album. When are the concerts? Right now and in Feb/March. The time I have booked for writing my BA thesis. I have promised myself to concentrate on graduating until I am actually holding my diploma. It’s my ultimate priority, and nothing can change it. This is something I want. What I don’t want is temptations on my way to achieve it. It hurts me deeply that I am missing out on the chance to see one of my favourite bands performing live, and actually meeting some of the people whom I have had the honour to get to know through the Internet. It makes me angry but I cannot figure out who it is whom I’m angry with. I’m not mad at myself because I know I am doing the right thing; I’m not mad at the band because, hell, they are a band and should do gigs whenever they feel like it; I am definitely not mad at my friends for going to shows because they need to go there, they must have the chance for that fun.

I know it is such a petty thing to be worried about but I am quite disturbed. I had promised myself that I will go and see them perform live again and again. I also promised myself not to do anything before I am holding my first, undergrad degree. And you know, the second promise is so much more important for me.

But why do I still feel like a traitor and a failure? I guess it has all been written up above…

Dancing in the moonlight?

First of all, I wanted to say that I had already completed my whole post, when I suddenly pressed the wrong button and everything went poof. I really shouldn't be allowed near computers!

Instead of dancing in the moonlight, I actually wanted to share on ugly experience I had under the artificial lights of a night club. Last Wednesday I once again understood why I hate those places so much. I'm still terrified by what I saw there...

Well, what was so horrible that I witnessed? Nothing else than a normal Wednesday night for a bunch of people: getting shitfaced, finding the clothes that don't quite cover anything and head out to a club to dance. These people seem to me from a whole different culture; they seem to think that a great night out with friends is to go to a night club, dance in a very provocative way (on more advanced levels you get to do this by the wall or on the stage), the only way you can actually talk to people is to shout into their ears. And even then, they probably only catch a half of it. Although this is definitely a way of communicating, it is not the most convenient one. Not to mention that all the songs played in the night club sound the same to me (but there's no wonder; in my world the sentence 'I put some new music on my mp3-player' means that I added Black Sabbath's Greatest Hits album there...).

I know I sound like some old granny: today's youth is so corrupted. I admit, I have had fun time at night clubs. The last 2 times I went to M were quite a blast. Then again, considerable amount of alcohol was involved (I even reached the very advanced level: the bar). Nevertheless, I like my friends so much that I actually want to talk to them when we go out, not to express my feelings and thoughts through the medium of dance.
Moreover, the reason why I hate night clubs is very personal: every time I come home from one of them, my self-esteem plummets. In midst of all those scarcely dressed women I suddenly understand how unsexy and unattractive I am. Even more so, every last one of my dance moves seems extremely ridiculous. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want to impress any of those people who go to night clubs, but still, as a single 20-year-old, I'd like to feel pretty as well!

I still get twitches when I think back about the night at CT. I cannot even put it into words how badly I dislike those places. Let's just say that they are not for me. I'd rather have a beer with my dear friends at the pub or a glass of wine with some discussions about heaven and earth.
So you won't see me back at a club at least till April... Sorry, friends!