Lately I have been thinking about politeness and about the way we are expected to act in the society. We, as humans, make our lives awfully difficult, don't we, with all the rules of conduct. And are they actually rules and if they are, are they still legitimate in the 21st century?
I would like to concentrate on the rules that set who we have to be friendly with. My mother is organising my father's birthday party. Nothing grand, because all he wanted was a small group of friends and family with whom he could feel comfortable. So, my dear mother, who is kind of slave to politeness, calls me and asks if she has to ask this and that person to come. As an arrogant little prat, I of course replied that she doesn't have to ask anyone she and my dad don't want to. The idea is to spend the part with people you want to be there. Luckily I got through to my mother and for once, she abandoned her strict sense of politeness.
Yesterday she calls me and was little anxious because one of those people she didn't ask (because a) she would not come anyway, and b) she's a bit annoying and generally not the most popular figure in the family), had called and asked if my father has some kind of important birthday. My mother did not give up and didn't pass the invitation; yet, she was still looking for my confirmation that what she did was right.
Did she do the right thing? Yes. If being overly polite spoils your fun, then it is not a good thing. I'm not saying all politeness is bad and restricting. No, I love when people are nice without a reason. 'Thank you', 'Here you are', 'Have a nice day' etc comprise the elementary politeness that brightens up anyone's day (and I'm relieved to know that those phrases are making their comeback into Estonian service culture). These little acts of kindness and politeness do not take away anything from anyone and make this world once again a little bit of better place.
Where to draw the line? I think that as long as you feel good about being polite and do not sacrifice anything, all is well.
I also think that we should not pretend to be friends and hang out with people how we don't like, who make us feel uneasy. Easier said than done.
My mother's example was one of those hard situations because it is to do with family and relatives and last time I checked you can't choose them. But then again, it was to do with a certain event and the option was there and I still think me and mum have done everything correctly. Another difficult situation is when you have a larger group of friends and you feel like one or few people there are those, who you do not want to be close with. 'Ay, there's the rub'
Do you put on a brave face and be 'polite' (i.e. befriend and hang out with him/her) because you have to for the sake of the group, or do you turn the cold shoulder and move on? I don't know.
The two guys on either of my shoulders (not sure which of them is the devil and which is the angel) seem to disagree. One says, 'You have to think about your own happiness and if you don't feel good with the person, so be it. Life is hard and you meet so many people anyway, you don't need those in your life who make you feel uncomfortable. It doesn't help for either of you!' The other fellow on the other shoulder says, 'Oh, but you've already known this person for years and you have been friends so far. It would be weird to back off now. Besides, you might lose the other people in the same group as well!'
There! This is where excessive politeness has brought us. You have to be friends with some people because... well, you just have to. Otherwise you'd be the cold-blooded superficial bitch. Yet, my voice of reason says that I'm not. So, until I find the golden mean, I'll force a smile and try to concentrate on people who I like being with.
(And maybe in her ultimate kindless, the Universe will sort this little problem out herself)
I would like to concentrate on the rules that set who we have to be friendly with. My mother is organising my father's birthday party. Nothing grand, because all he wanted was a small group of friends and family with whom he could feel comfortable. So, my dear mother, who is kind of slave to politeness, calls me and asks if she has to ask this and that person to come. As an arrogant little prat, I of course replied that she doesn't have to ask anyone she and my dad don't want to. The idea is to spend the part with people you want to be there. Luckily I got through to my mother and for once, she abandoned her strict sense of politeness.
Yesterday she calls me and was little anxious because one of those people she didn't ask (because a) she would not come anyway, and b) she's a bit annoying and generally not the most popular figure in the family), had called and asked if my father has some kind of important birthday. My mother did not give up and didn't pass the invitation; yet, she was still looking for my confirmation that what she did was right.
Did she do the right thing? Yes. If being overly polite spoils your fun, then it is not a good thing. I'm not saying all politeness is bad and restricting. No, I love when people are nice without a reason. 'Thank you', 'Here you are', 'Have a nice day' etc comprise the elementary politeness that brightens up anyone's day (and I'm relieved to know that those phrases are making their comeback into Estonian service culture). These little acts of kindness and politeness do not take away anything from anyone and make this world once again a little bit of better place.
Where to draw the line? I think that as long as you feel good about being polite and do not sacrifice anything, all is well.
I also think that we should not pretend to be friends and hang out with people how we don't like, who make us feel uneasy. Easier said than done.
My mother's example was one of those hard situations because it is to do with family and relatives and last time I checked you can't choose them. But then again, it was to do with a certain event and the option was there and I still think me and mum have done everything correctly. Another difficult situation is when you have a larger group of friends and you feel like one or few people there are those, who you do not want to be close with. 'Ay, there's the rub'
Do you put on a brave face and be 'polite' (i.e. befriend and hang out with him/her) because you have to for the sake of the group, or do you turn the cold shoulder and move on? I don't know.
The two guys on either of my shoulders (not sure which of them is the devil and which is the angel) seem to disagree. One says, 'You have to think about your own happiness and if you don't feel good with the person, so be it. Life is hard and you meet so many people anyway, you don't need those in your life who make you feel uncomfortable. It doesn't help for either of you!' The other fellow on the other shoulder says, 'Oh, but you've already known this person for years and you have been friends so far. It would be weird to back off now. Besides, you might lose the other people in the same group as well!'
There! This is where excessive politeness has brought us. You have to be friends with some people because... well, you just have to. Otherwise you'd be the cold-blooded superficial bitch. Yet, my voice of reason says that I'm not. So, until I find the golden mean, I'll force a smile and try to concentrate on people who I like being with.
(And maybe in her ultimate kindless, the Universe will sort this little problem out herself)
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