The whole 20% of me.

For some odd reason, people who should know me the best, who have seen me throughout all my life, have failed to understand me. But maybe it is not entirely their fault...

I am an open person, at least that might seem so. And I am. To a point... When it comes to me, some things are not at all personal for me and I can discuss very odd things with perfect strangers. But when it comes to my inner feelings, my hopes and dreams, I have learned not to reveal them to anyone. Not even to my closest friends. I am very sorry about that because I know some of them open their soul to me, and I am just unable to reply with the same.

Surely, it's an issue of trust. It is not that I do not trust them to keep secrets, no not at all. I am very sure they/you are absolutely trustworthy and I'd trust you with my life... But not with my secrets.

This weekend proved to me that my problems of trust most likely are rooted in my family. I have taken great pride in my family, and being family orientated. Only to learn that it goes unnoticed and that I am the one to be blamed of all the seven deadly sins... And then a smile and life goes on. Pardon?

"A couple drinks. A couple aspirin. Repeat." Chuck Palahniuk. Diary. 2003.

And the funny thing is that I still keep trying. Even more funny... I am always the one who gets hurt and ends up in crying to her pillow. Why, you ask. I have no fucking idea... I wish I could stop but the closest thing I get to giving up this habit is just escaping.

Anyway, getting back on the trust issue... as you may or may not have understood, then me and my family are most probably from different galaxies. Therefore, I have never been able to go to my family with my problems, wishes... etc for the simple reason of making a fool out of myself. Honestly, they would have just laughed and gone on about some non-sense and solving real problems such as the colour of the new wallpaper.

Having learned from the experience of not being able to trust the people closest to me, my own flesh and blood with my inner world, why on Earth should I even consider the idea that the rest of the 6 billion people in the world are interested in it?

Before you ask, yes, I am completely aware of the fact that my experience in this world is only limited with 20 years, but that's already two decades... I have learned something during the period.

So, my dear friends, I hope you will forgive me for the fact that you will most likely never know how I really feel about things, what are my true feelings... I just cannot open up. Admitting being in love, regretting things, my dreams that keep me going... These are mine alone, and as much as I would like to share them with you, I can't.

So I offer you the whole 20% of me, if you'll accept it. And the rest is mine to keep.