First and foremost, don’t be alerted – this blog has nothing to do with art. Unfortunately art (in sense of fine art: paintings, sculptures, graphics and everything in between) is something quite distant and unreachable to me. I’ve never been able to fully understand art. But this was not what I wanted to talk about…
I have realised how much first impressions mean to me. Especially, when it comes to making one myself. Last Friday I went through some nerve-wrecking hours before meeting my supervisor whom I had so far only been in contact via email. It was quite ridiculous how nervous I was. I was so afraid she would consider me light-headed, incompetent and generally, not really a very bright individual (which, by the way, she had every right to think and probably also still thinks that to some extent). In the end, nothing horrible happened (as it would have!); the meeting was quite successful for me and I’m not dropping out of university just yet.
I think it’s natural to wish to leave a good impression on someone you meet, especially someone who has more power or authority than you do; especially someone who holds a piece of you future in their hands. I always wish to seem like someone very polite, helpful, clever and understanding. You know, the usual qualities. Nevertheless, I usually assume that people would not see me like that unless I put on an extra effort to seem like that. This of course means that the whole thing is quite not as natural as it should be and everything is not quite as smooth as it could be. I play some situations, where I’ve made small mistakes, over and over again in my head feeling the sharp pain of embarrassment. Probably this is the reason why I’m usually the quiet one whenever there are people around whom I haven’t met before; that way I can save myself from having to replay a new bunch of embarrassing moments in my head.
The question is, shouldn’t people like (or dislike) us for who we are? Thus, we ought to appear as we are with all our faults and short-comings. I never could. If I cannot actually be better than I am, I would at least like to appear better than I really am. I wish I could be naturally quick-witted and someone who can communicate easily with everyone but I’m not. Instead, I usually put on a pretty big act. (Not that my act would make me quick-witted.) Tiring, one might say. Definitely. And imagine the surprise when people find out that it’s not really me. Oops. But I can’t really change that. I’m like a dog from the shelter just begging, “Like me, like me!”
I must admit, though, that I often discover that first impressions can be very much misleading. I’ve come to be like people who at first I did not like at all or vice versa. Still, more often than not I might judge people by the first impression, then see that they are really not like that all and in the end discover that actually, they are just like they first seemed. This means that the impression I leave on people might change just the same. I’m sure that there are plenty of people out there whom I’ve met and who, based on the first impression, do not like me. As much as it might pain me, I cannot change that.
For the time being, I keep on making those false first impressions.
(To be completely honest, I’m not sure how much sense this particular post makes. Considering my fatigue and absolute absence of even a half-intelligent thought, not much. But bear with me: I might have my bright moment soon enough)
